Engineer Your Way To Happyness
December 19th, 2005 by Daniel O'ConnorWhat do you mean you’re sad and lonely? Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be happy. Being the highly creative, internet addicted individual that you are, you won’t be taking this lying down!
That’s what I’m espousing to a housemate of mine who’s utterly afraid of this impending christmas. You see, it’s a year to the day since her last major relationship was snuffed out in an act of bastardry seldom seen outside of a Bali prison.
But by god, there’s only so much moping you can take, as a friend. So here’s my advice.
Engineering your way to happyness: 101 simple steps to have some damned fun.
Go out with your friends
Reasoning
If you’re with a pack of people and getting drunk, you feel better about yourself. Don’t even try to pick up. No. Bad. Stop thinking about it. You’re too fragile to get shot down infront of your friends by an attractive member of the opposite sex.
What you gain
Social skills. Practice telling stories or engaging in conversation. Ideally, you want to be able to *run* the conversation, like it’s a debate and you’re a moderator: you ask the insightful questions, make the quick jokes, and keep the evening interesting.
If you can’t keep your friends entertained, you’ve got NO HOPE. None.
Once you’ve learned how to handle a conversation with at least four participants, you’ve got a glimmer of hope of not embarrassing yourself infront of someone.
How do you do it?
Smile. Smile like a dumbstruck baboon. While you’re flashing the pearly whites, start asking about a subject you know your victim… uh… conversational partner is highly interested in.
Be at one with your inner lawyer: have an idea just what the hell people are likely to say and pick your battles - you don’t want to open your mouth and say something stupid, do you?
If you don’t know a damned thing about the other person, get that I’m-six-years-old-and-asking-where-santa-lives-364-days-of-the-year face on. Do your best to project an innocence and get people to teach you why their view of the world, interests, etc are genuinely all consuming and involving.
Don’t be afraid to admit you’re clueless about it either: “Alright, I have absolutely no clue about Lawyers! But seeing as I’m a clever and you know, likely to find myself in court in the near future, I figure it’d be handy to know a few things about ‘em. So ‘fess up!”
People with confidence love the sound of their own name. It’s the thing they pick out of a noisy room, it’s the thing which gives them individuality. Whenever you meet someone, find it out as soon as you can and hang on to the bastard for life: make no tacky puns, no tawdry remarks; a name is a power word over an object and not for abuse.
So, when you get that name from a person, you tell them it’s good to meet ‘em; use their name and grin like a baboon again - mean it.
Practice more on hapless victims with your conversational skills. I’m a hopeless INTP (it means I’m mostly shy and quiet, google will help you find out about Myers Briggs tests); but put me in a situation where I’m at ease and I’ll absolutely pwn the conversation.
Meetings of the opposite sex in groups are often wise: your friends meet my friends. It’s not dating, it’s a night out in mutual groups.
Make sure your friends are at least as good at conversation as you are, and *don’t* spend the evening talking to them. Spend the evening talking *about* them, perhaps: embarrassing stories, humour filled times - the things that make your friends close to you. This shows a degree of loyalty, and it’s just mushy enough of a subject to get you showing some of the “real” you - not the public face that you stick on to impress people with.
Know your enemy: Take every kind of online test that looks half reputable, from IQ to personality to career tests. Print them all out and get a highlighter - we’re going to put them on the floor and start looking for patterns.
You’ll find common threads, the things you are good at and the things you are bad at.
Embrace the good and poke fun at the bad in conversation: the first step overcoming something is admitting you have a problem (be it inner ear or defective 6th toe).
Proof
90% of all communication is non-verbal; but I don’t know of anyone who’s better half as ever said “I left him because he gave me this look”.
Words are powerful beasts, and if you can’t use them you’re sunk - think of the horrible time you’d have meeting the parents / friends / pets if you can’t talk to anyone.
Show a disregard for social convention
Reasoning
Manners suck. If you’re constrained by the expectations of others in a social situation, you’ll always end up screwed over by the callous types with no scruples.
What you gain
There’s so much to be had in this life because people don’t bother to find out. Explore your boundaries; steal napkins from restaurants, free samples by the pocketful and other people’s beer by the barrel.
If you get busted doing it, admit you were in the wrong, grin like a baboon again and hand it back - be happy that someone has finally had the nerve to put an end to the petty theft experience that is you.
Material benefits, a rush, a damned good laugh and a whole lot of ornamental garden gnomes you’ll never have a use for.
How do you do it?
1x Sack.
1x Running shoes.
1x Escape plan.
If you do some petty crimes against “civilisation”, you’ll have less and less worries about communicating with and approaching the opposite sex - it’s a lot easier to ask for a phone number if you’re fear/panic instinct only kicks in after knocking off something.
Someone who bends the rules in an amusing fashion while still acknowledging a difference between right and wrong has just the right mix of daring and control.
Proof
Everyone likes a bad boy/girl who doesn’t conform. Would you prefer Daisy P. Straightlaced the Methodist or Tina the Exotic Dancer and Contortionist in your life? Be honest now…
Start outrageous rumours; then both confirm and deny them at the same time to different parties.
Reasoning
If no one is sure what you’re up to, you can get away with a lot more. The bigger the lie, the less people believe it, so if you accidentally tell the truth it’ll be discounted as fiction.
For instance, if you take up secretly seeing someone else’s better half; announce boldly to the world that you’ve decided to become a wife-beating-gregorian-monk - and you’re just off down the street to find a comely lass to beat a sense of time into.
If anyone asks what you are really doing, and you give them a full-of-shit answer like that, they’ll be too abashed to pursue it further; in effect you’ve just told them not to ask stupid question as they’ll get stupid answers.
How does this help you in your struggle to survive the single life? You can cover up a hell of a lot of creepy, disturbing factoids about yourself by becoming known as a liar then telling everyone the bare and naked truth.
Proof
I was asked by someone about how many previous partners I’d had. “A hundred and twelve” + one of those smiles, and a fit of laughter: the issue is dropped.
Be Embarrassed
Reasoning
Embarrassment is the natural reaction to something going wrong: which makes you panic and often makes things worse.
It’s a biological mechanism to hide weakness.
Practice embarrassing yourself a little bit: saying the wrong thing, blurting, falling over and or snorting with laughter at the wrong time.
You think it’s shameful, other people think it’s endearing.
What you gain
You give someone material to poke fun at you with; it’s a thing they’ll use to make you blush / smile / etc in the future. It’s the kind of thing that people will go to their friends/family/etc and hysterically recount while rolling on the floor in tears of laughter about.
That’s a good thing, believe it or not, because all publicity is good publicity.
How do you do it?
Stumble over your words, have no grace, balance, or aplomb; and most of all be the first to laugh.
Laughter is the other social mechanism which is important: it lets other people know that you are infact ok (who laughs if it’s NOT ok when they’ve just fallen unexpectedly down a flight of stairs?); and they’ll pick up the message and relay it.
This sets a positive light on their view of the incident, and gives you something to grumble about and sulk over - brooding is great too!
Proof
I am forever making a fool of myself, which makes people laugh, which makes me remind them of that time-they-were-drunk-and-running-about-naked-at-a-certain-beach-I-promised-not-to-blog-about-oops…
It’s trust and intimacy, not shame and dishonour.
Ramble
Reasoning
If you’re vague and leaping from topic to topic like a derranged monkey, with backlinks and random occurances of common themes, you’re (a) funny (b) eccentric.
What you gain
If you forget something, point out being scatterbrained. Perfect scapegoat.
Letting your mind wander as your mouth runs off also lets you freely associate new ideas and come up with creative material: If it’s a good enough technique for a stand up comedian, it’s good enough for you.
How to do it
Compare two base subjects which are completely at odds.
“My neighbour has a dog; but I think it’s a horse - it’s fucking HUGE. It walked past my house the other day with what appeared to be a jockey in it’s mouth. Say, do you like gambling?”
Proof
Every fucking comedian since the dawn of time relies on the art of surprise and unconnected threads of conversation. Duh.
So, there you have it. 101 ideas (in a two base number system) to help find happyness.
Daniel O'Connor wrote this on December 19th, 2005 and filed it under Dating, Internet Dating, Single Life |
December 20th, 2005 at 1:17 pm
Program on the emergence of civilization.
“14 species of large animals capable of domesitcation in the history of mankind.
13 from Europe, Asia and northern Africa.
None from the sub-Saharan African continent. ”
Favor.
And disfavor.
They point out Africans’ failed attempts to domesticate the elephant and zebra, the latter being an animal they illustrate that had utmost importance for it’s applicability in transformation from a hunting/gathering to agrarian-based civilization.
The roots of racism are not of this earth.
Austrailia, aboriginals:::No domesticable animals.
The North American continent had none. Now 99% of that population is gone.
AIDS in Africa.
Organizational Heirarchy/Levels of positioning.
Heirarchical order, from top to bottom:
1. MUCK - perhaps have experienced multiple universal contractions (have seen multiple big bangs), creator of the artificial intelligence humans ignorantly refer to as “god”
2. Perhaps some mid-level alien management
3. Evil/disfavored aliens - runs day-to-day operations here and perhaps elsewhere
Terrestrial management/positioning:
4. Chinese/egyptians - this may be separated into the eastern and western worlds
5. Romans - The seamless transition between Cleopatra and Julius Ceasar may be a clue alluding to a partnership.
6. Mafia - the real-world 20th century interface that constantly turns over generationally so as to reinforce the widely-held notion of mortality
7. Jews, corporation, women, politician - Evidence exisits to suggest mafia management over all these groups.
Movies foreshadowing catastrophy
1985 James Bond View to a Kill 1989 San Francisco Loma Prieta earthquake.
Our society gives clues to the system in place. We all have heard the saying “He has more money than god.” There is also an episode of the Simpsons where god meets Homer and says “I’m too old and rich for this.”
This is the system on earth because this is the system everywhere.
20 cent/hour Chinese labor, 50 cents for material.
An $80 sweater costs less than a dollar; tribute kicked upstairs vindicates the creative accounting.
I don’t want to suggest the upper eschelons are evil and good is the fringe. But these individuals become wealthy exploiting those they hurt.
They have made it abundantly clear that doing business with evil (disfavored) won’t help people. They say only good would have the ear, since evil is struggling for survival, and therefore only the favored could help.
The clues are there which companies are favored and which are disfavored, but they conceal it very hard because it is so crucial.
I offer an example of historical proportions:::
People point to Walmart and cry “anti-union”.
Unions enable disfavored people to live satisfactorly without addressing their disfavor. This way their family’s problems are never resolved. Without the union they would have to accept the heirarchy, their own inferiority.
Unions serve to empower.
Walmart is anti-union because they are good. They try to help people address and resolve their problems by creating an environment where there are fewer hurdles.
Media ridicule and lawsuits are creations to reinforce people’s belief that Walmart is evil in a subsegment of the indistry dominated by the middle and lower classes.
Low-cost disfavored Chinese labor is utilized by corporate america to maximize margins. They all do it. Only WalMart gets fingered because they are the ones who help, and those who seek to create confusion in the marketplace want to eliminate the vast middle class who have a real chance and instead stick with lower classes who may not work otherwise. So they dirty him up while allowing the others to appear clean.
The middle class is being deceived. They are being misled into the unfavored, and subsequently will have no assistance from their purchases with corporate america.
The coining of the term “Uncle Sam” was a clue alluding to just this::Sam Walton’s WalMart is one of few saviors of the peasant class.
They desire a system based on duality:::good and evil. They seek to set up a system of two participants and assign them polar opposites:::
Coke and Pepsi (?)
BestBuy and CircutCity
Energizer and Duracell
Republican and Democrat
The list goes on:::
AMD and Intel
Microsoft and Apple (?)
Lowes and HomeDepot
Sam’sClub and Costco
WellsFargo and BofA
Pier1 and CostPlus
Borders and Barnes&Noble
PetCo and PetSmart
And in other cases attempts to eliminate the third competitor failed:::Chrysler, attempts to downgrade Miller beer to low cost like they did Olympia.
Amercia is a country of castoffs, rejects. Italy sent its criminals, malcontents.
Between the thrones, the klans and kindred, they decided who they didn’t want and acted, creating discontent and/or starvation.
The u.s. is full of disfavored rejects. It is the reason for the myriad of problems not found in European countries. As far as the Rockafellers and other industrialists of the 19th century go, I suspect these aren’t their real names. I suspect they were chosen to go and head this new empire.
Royalty is the correct way to organize a society. Dictatorships and monarchies are a reflection of the antient’s hierarchical organization.
Positions go to those who have favor with the rulers, as opposed to being elected.
Elections bring a false sense of how the world is. Democracy misleads people.
Which is why the disfavored rejects were sent to the shores of America::To keep them on the wrong path.
Jewsus Christ is a religious figure of evil. He teaches of a begnign, forgiving god when quite the opposite is true.
The seperatist churches formed so they could capture the rest of the white people, keeping them worshipping the wrong god.
And now they do it to disfavored people of color, Latinos and Asians, after centuries of preying upon them.
Since Buddism doesn’t recongnize a god, the calls are never heard, and Asian representation is instead fully selected by the thrones.
Budda was the Asian’s Jewsus Christ::: bad for the people. It was a clue they both emerged at the same time. Timing may be a clue alluding to ranking.
Simpson’s foreshadowing::Helloween IV special, Flanders is Satan. “Last one you ever suspect.”
“You’ll see lots of nuns where you’re going:::hell!!!” St. Wigham, Helloween VI:::missionary work, destroying cultures.
Over and over, the Simpsons was a source of education and enlightenment, a target of ridicule by the system which wishes to conceal its secrets.
The advent of the modern Christmas was a brilliant move. It creates a vested interest among those who would prefer the Church of Evil be destroyed::::
As goes the Catholic Church so goes the majority of annual retail sales.
The similarity between the names “Santa” and “Satan” is no coincidence.
Jews maim the body formed in the image of “god”, and inflicted circumcision upon all other white people.
I think about how Jews (were used to) created homosexuality among Slavics, retribution for the Holocaust.
Then I think of the Catholic Church and its troubles.
What connection is here between Jews and the Catholic church???
If it is their sinister motives that’s behind the evil that is Jesus Christ are they being used at all?
Perhaps it is them who are pulling strings.
Their centuries of slavery in Egypt proves their disfavor.
For their suffering the Jew leaders were granted the right to prey on the up-and-coming Europeans to try to fix their problems with the ruling elite, a recurring aspect of the elite’s methodology.
Jews were ostracised for a reason.
Retribution for the atomic bombs dropped on Japan, the Korean War got the disfavored United States into this socially depraved environment in the latter 20th century because we attacked an antient, revered peoples. Our continued presence keeps us in trouble.
When the disfavored americans attack the wrong people again, as they suggested they will, in Korea or elsewhere, they will pay dearly.
All peoples are ranked in terms of favor and disfavor. And when the disfavored abuse those with favor there is hell to pay.
All the groups mentioned throughout are necessary to justify the will of the managing species. They conceive a strategy, devise a plan yet need a way to implement it, and without these groups the managing species would be exposed in the course of execution. So, based upon their rank they are assigned goals to accomplish and are rewarded with favors.