1. Justin

   Well…its been 2 years now since my divorce. We’ve talked non-stop though since and have remained good friends. I dont know if its healthy to do this, but I cant imagine not having her around in some way. I cant seem to move on into another relationship, and to be honest the loneliness is really killing me at times. I still have days when i cry most of the day, and pray to god to bring her back. I know its not possible, after all shes having a baby with her new boyfriend. I know she loves him, but why would she continue to talk to me everyday? What does this mean? My better judgement tells me this isnt healthy, but my heart wont let me let go. I want very much to feel those feelings you have when you fall in love, but it seems so far off. Its become like one of those “what if” things like what if i won the lotto. It just seems impossible which contributes to my dispair even more. Ive had a hard time finding myself and have lost alot of confidence over the years. I dont like the person ive become. How do i get through this? Any advice you can give would be appreciated….i dont know where to turn anymore. Justin

   Jan 21st, 2009

2. jeff (depressioncell.com)

   still have days when i cry most of the day, and pray to god to bring her back. I know its not possible, after all shes having a baby with her new boyfriend. I know she loves him, but why would she continue to talk to me everyday? What does this mean? My better judgement tells me this isnt healthy, but my heart wont let me let go. I want very much to feel those feelings you have when you fall in love, but it seems so far off. Its become like one of those “what if” things like what if i won the lotto. It just seems impossible which contributes to my dispair even more. Ive had a hard time finding myself and have lost alot of confidence over the years.

   Feb 4th, 2009

3. Sofia

   After 3 years of my relationship, we took a one month break. I thought he wanted the break to focus on work (He has a busy career). I found out three days ago that he went on dates with someone else during our one month break. He wants another break, for another month. I am so confused. He admits that we are perfect for one another but gave me that “If we’re meant to be” speech. He said he needs to figure out his own life. Everytime I close my eyes, I see him and I imagine him laughing and smiling with the other girl. I am constantly second-guessing myself and thinking what I did wrong, what does she have that I don’t, is she smarter, does she have a better body or greater passion. I truly believe that I have lost all ability to love and be loved again. He was incredibly attractive, tall, handsome, had a great career, and made me feel worthy. Now, without him, I feel like less of a person. I feel hideous. I feel not good enough. I’m in a constant state of depression and don’t see how it can get better.

   May 11th, 2009

4. Skye

   Dear Sofia, I know exactly how you feel when you said that “Now, without him, I feel like less of a person. I feel hideous. I feel not good enough. I’m in a constant state of depression and don’t see how it can get better.”

   I’ve just come out of a long and serious relationship myself, and it had been so serious that I had let it define who I was. This is why I’m feeling so lost and empty wthout it. I’ve learnt the ways people tell you to get over the pain of the break-up. I’m very informed of how I can recover, yet it doesn’t necessarily mean the beginning of my new happiness. I know one thing though that you won’t be content unless you know who you are without the relationship. You have to find out who you really are, but first though you have to believe that you mean something now without your former lover. Then the next step is to slowly discover “something.”

   I don’t know exactly what you, Sofia, and other people are going through emotion wise, and I’m in a pretty bad situation myself. However, I know one thing that you guys mean “something” great without your previous relationship. From my bruised and burnt heart, let me extend my most sincere support to all of you while you’re going through this very difficult time.

   May 14th, 2009

5. Skye

   Dear Sofia, I know exactly how you feel when you said that “Now, without him, I feel like less of a person. I feel hideous. I feel not good enough. I’m in a constant state of depression and don’t see how it can get better.”

   I’ve just come out of a long and serious relationship myself, and it had been so serious that I had let it define who I was. This is why I’m feeling so lost and empty wthout it. I’ve learnt the ways people tell you to get over the pain of the break-up. I’m very informed of how I can recover, yet it doesn’t necessarily mean the beginning of my new happiness. I know one thing though that you won’t be content unless you know who you are without the relationship. You have to find out who you really are, but first though you have to believe that you mean something now without your former lover. Then the next step is to slowly discover “something.”

   I don’t know exactly what you, Sofia, and other people are going through emotion wise, and I’m in a pretty bad situation myself. However, I know one thing that you guys mean “something” great without your previous relationship. From my bruised and burnt heart, let me extend my most sincere support to all of you while you’re going through this very difficult time.

   May 14th, 2009

6. Sofia

   Syke, thank you for your response. I did let my former relationship define who I was — And I liked that person that I was with him. It’s been almost a week and I still can’t shake the thought of him, and how I feel like less of a human being. Every time I receive a text, I pray that it’s him (It isn’t and probably will never be) and in the back of my mind, I’m counting the days til more time passes and I hope he will get back with me (He probably won’t). I have also recently been laid off from my job, so I don’t have much to keep my mind busy with. Skye, how did you “discover something”?

   May 14th, 2009

7. William

   I cant stop reading blogs and forums about this. I know what I should do to recover from my breakup…but still I cant. I know I have to find new motivations, new hobbies, dont blame myself about it, think positively and constructively about what happened..bla bla…im still broken! I have 3 good days…and then I go down again! I start going through it all, AGAIN, and I recover the energys to try and make it work again, although I know it wont work cause she won´t give me the opportunity to see me (she didnt have the balls to see me after we broke up…and I did NOTHING bad or mean to her…).

   All i can say is that this situation SUCKS and I just wanna get over it ASAP! I´ve turned into a sad guy, and I´ve never been like this (well, only 5 years ago after my first breakup..). I took 4 years to heal from the first one, and I definitely DON´T wanna go through that time again! NO WAY!

   Good luck to all of you in the same situation! Hope it passes quick!

   May 17th, 2009

8. Sofia

   Well, don’t worry William, I got dumped over text messages after it being a 3 year relationship. So I know what you feel like when you say your ex doesnt have the balls to see you after the break up. I didn’t even see the guy when we were breaking up, and he surely doesn’t want to see me now.

   It’s been more than a week, and I also go thru “phases” of relief and happiness, but then something reignites the feelings once again. Yesterday I was overcome with sadness, once again, when my friends decided to eat the restaurant I went with ‘him’ before. To torture myself, I ordered his favorite dish and thought of him the entire time while eating the dish.

   I think love and break ups are the worst feelings in the world. Love did nothing to me but provide me with harm, dismay, hurt and pain.

   May 18th, 2009

9. William

   I can´t agree more with your last phrase, Sofia. Love is very cool at the beginning, but after that, it either stabilizes and gets boring or it goes to hell, which is even worse! How come people make it through long relationships? I see it impossible!!

   If its only been a week, I wish you all the luck for these days, and I hope it passes quickly…after 4 months I´m almost in the same place as the first week Hopefully you will recover quicker…I suck at recovery, hehe.

   Funny, I went yesterday to “that restaurant” where I used to go with her…I was all dinner quiet and rambling in my head…I wonder if she does the same about me…probably not!! My friends say I have to fill those places with memories of after..of my new life, in stead of torturing myself with her..but…it seems impossible! My heart doesn´t want to forget her!

   May 18th, 2009

10. No Name

    It has been a month and 2 weeks since I spoke to my ex girlfriend. We broke up this past february (but spoke over the phone afterwards) after i found out she was flirting with other guys behind my back lying in my face and constantly lowering my self esteem by putting me down. We’ve had tons of fights and arguments and it just never went anywhere. There is a lot more issues but I won’t go into more details. Our relationship lasted around 7 years.

    I have good and bad days, sometimes I just cry thinking about how much time went by and I am now left alone. Also I keep feeling jelous about the fact that as a girl for her it will be easier to move on since guys will just come to her while I have to get back on the hunting game.

    I met several girls already but I just get depressed and can’t figure out why or maybe its just too early.

    Everything reminds me and whenever someone who doesn’t know we broke up mentions something like “how’s your girlfriend doing” I get all messed up.

    I don’t know how I will react if I bump into her on the street let alone with another guy.

    Time heals I was told but why is it so slow in doing so

    May 27th, 2009

11. William

    I feel all your words man…with time I have more good days than bad ones, but the bad ones are really horrible. EVERYTHING reminds me of her..still! Wherever I go in the city…I get all the memories back in my head.

    And yeah…girls have it a LOT easier to just move on…there will be tons of guys waiting to attack…we guys have to reshape our minds and be REALLY ready..cause when you are depressed you can´t really be cocky and funny and all that stuff…girls even if they go out crying they will get laid…if they want to.

    I can´t stand either the fact that she will probably be dating other guys…all that stuff. I try to avoid it..but sometimes I can´t just avoid it and it goes straight to my heart…the fact that some other loser is having fun in “our” bed with her…that makes me sick! But hey…I´m trying not to think about it

    Lets hope it goes away soon!

    

    May 28th, 2009

12. No Name

    I find the following books helped me move on a lot quicker:

    The Power of Now and a New Earth.

    I recommend them if you haven’t read them yet. I am actually doing better then I did in the first few days. I now recongnize the various problems that were not allowing my relationship to move forward. I try to keep myself busy and not just try to throw myself in another relationship. I think being single and spending time on myself is the best thing to do for now. It will allow me to find what I really want from life and what I want my next relationship to be like. I found that going to the gym for 2 hours a day helped me cure as well. It eliminated any thinking process and drains the h*ll out of me so I just knock myself to sleep once I get back home. Plus I was able to release my anger on a good cause, getting in shape that is

    It is a hard experience to go throw it is certainly not something you wish to see as part of your life but we can’t move forward if we keep looking in the rearview mirror. Yes, I still have these depressing days once in a while and it is normal to have them, we are all human and we all have a feelings. I usually get these days when I stay home without anything to do. During these days I tend to feel lonely and unwanted. Living with the same person for 7 years you tend to get confortable with their presence no matter how bad they are. But I now understand how time does heal. I understand that love does blind people and makes us indenial. Good people get eating alive by love because bad people know how to manipualte and take advantage. We can all be good and we can all be bad but what sets us apart is identification. If I know I did something wrong then I won’t point the finger on someone else. I live and learn and make sure not to make the same mistakes again. But some just always point the finger somewhere else.

    I slowly stopped thinking about what she is doing and I started thinking about what I need to do. I used to ask myself constantly “will she ever call me?” but it just led to another connection to my past which just kept me going in a loop. So now I am trying to meet new people, spend more time with my family and old friends. I am trying to find new hobbies, travel to new places, and basically live life to its fullest.

    We shall forget the past; we shall not think about the future, we shall live today!

    Jun 1st, 2009

13. William

    awesome response…VERY inspiring and it has given me a lot of hope. Actually, I´m now feeling a lot better…I´m kinda going through the same stages you are, and, although I still miss her like crazy, and would love to be with her…I now know its not gonna happen, and “looking in the rearview mirrow” doesn´t help at all.

    Lets just enjoy single life, get to know ourselves better, and just have fun. Soon somebody special will come again to our lives…that´s the cicle of life, isn´t it? hehe.

    Good luck to all and congrats for your progresses.

    Jun 2nd, 2009

14. Gonzo

    I found this site while looking for some advice that would help me get through a recent breakup. I identify with a few of the comments here.

    In my case, I knew I wasn’t really in love with my ex during most of our 2-year relationship, but I didn’t want to get rid of her either. I enjoyed her company, but there were also negative personality traits that I wasn’t sure I could live with for the long haul. I guess this is the typical male wishy-washy aloofness that women hate. Eventually, my lack of committment got to her, and she gave me an ultimatum. I wasnt going to lie to her and tell her I loved her, so I walked.

    I was dealing with the breakup fairly well until recently, when I found out she’s been seeing someone since shortly after we broke up. I knew that towards the end she had been paying a little more attention to a group of guys that regularly hit on her (her occupation puts her in contact with a lot of people in a social situation). I didn’t make an issue out of it because all signs pointed to it remaining innocent, plus I really was that indifferent at the time. But now I realize her current “boyfriend” was one of those guys. This made me realize that this guy had successfully planted himself in her mind while we were still dating, which elicits feelings of jealousy and perhaps even inadequacy in me. I feel stupid about this, since at this point I should be able to override these negative feelings with the knowledge that I’m probably better off without her. But I can’t ignore the “competitive” aspects of my male DNA.

    So I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this, or can at least offer some observations. There must be some psychological term for this.

    Oh, and for the other experiences shared here, a good bit of advice I received once is: “You need to give yourself permission to move on.” It’s OK to mourn your loss, and even to carry around memories of the relationship. But eventually you should consciously start to define the relationship as part of your past, not your present or future.

    Jun 4th, 2009

15. Sofia

    Everyone had such helpful responses. It’s funny that the past couple of replies have been from men! It has now been since March since my “break” with my ex and since May when he said he was going on dates with someone else. I considered that the end of our relationship.

    GONZO, I feel the same way. I am incredibly jealous of the girl he is going on dates with, to the point that I want to find out as much as I can about her so I can compare myself to her. I am hurting myself even more by thinking about her (a girl I have never met in person!) and looking at her pictures wondering what it is about her face, her body or personality that my ex sees in her. Ironically, the “other girl” and me look VERY similar. We could pass as twins. That kills me even more, because it makes me feel insecure about me as a person.

    I don’t want to move onto to another guy because I still hold out hope that my ex will change his mind. I am not attracted to anyone else, nor do I even want to attempt to meet someone.

    I think my ex has taken away my ability to fall in love again, or be attracted to someone else. It was so easy for him to move on and that kills me. Why isn’t he in pain like me? Why isn’t he in mourning for the end of our 3-year relationship? The end of our relationship came out of no where and we never argued. I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone or anything anymore.

    It has been months and I’m still feeling this way. I don’t think time heals all wounds. Going to the gym is a GREAT idea…I’ve been going 2 hours, 6x a week. It’s not only a stress reliever, but our bodies will look in shape and make us feel great about ourselves once again.

    Jun 5th, 2009

16. William

    Sofia, you will eventually recover your ability to love again. It´s just too soon. People need time to heal…and it will happen. This has been my second big breakup (yes, which makes me think that something´s wrong with me) and the first time it happened I said those things too…I´m never gonna love again…etc. 4 years later I was in a even better relationship…and I loved again, and I felt loved again…it just went to hell, AGAIN! hehe. So yeah, dont worry about loving cause you will love again soon..you´ll see..don´t lose hope in that.

    And yeah…imagining “who might she be dating” is HORRIBLE. That´s what Iñm still having problems with. I didn´t do nothing wrong and after she “cancelled” me..and maybe just a week of mourning (I have been mourning 4 months already..), she was dating again. I guess that´s her way to get over it, but in relationships I have found that some people don´t take time to recover, and some take too much. So yeah, I guess its normal that one of the two is gonna start dating right away, and the other one will take more time. But you know what…I think those new dates they have probably dont mean a shit…after long relationships, whatever comes next isn´t as intense or nice as the “real deal”, so I guess we can stick to that for now, haha!

    Just have more patience, it will get better soon..I´m feeling a bit better…still sad sometimes, but now I´m having fun doing other things, so there is still hope! Lets just forget them and look forward…our gain, their loss

    Jun 5th, 2009

17. Gonzo

    Sofia - I went back and re-read the earlier posts here, including yours. The one phrase that resonated with me was that “he needed to figure out his own life.” I was that guy once, in a long-term relationship. I left because I simply didn’t feel that I had gotten to know myself well enough. I was in my late-20’s, and was just not ready to settle down. I know this probably won’t help you feel better, but if I had ignored that feeling and stayed with my ex, it likely would have been a very rough relationship. Supressing things like that is never good for either party. .

    As for my present situation, the other thing that really sucks is I made some great friends through my ex. Which means they still all hang out together - except with the new guy in my place. I haven’t seen any of them since, partly to avoid seeing the two of them together, and partly out of apprehension that the group would now see me as some kind of pitiful intruder. So not only did I lose my girlfriend, but I lost most of my friends as well.

    Jun 5th, 2009

18. No Name

    GONZO if these friends were really god friends then they will stick around. I’ve also made tons of friends through my ex, some ditched me saying that they can’t talk to me anymore because they are closer to my ex. Others still talk to me so all that shows who were real friends and who were not. Even after all the good things I did for most, I got thrown out like a valueless object. They say “tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are”, basically the ones who ditched me were a carbon copy of my ex, not thankful, selfish, and self centered. You will make new friends, you will build new connections, but in order to do that you got to cut out the evil past or else it will pull you down and drown you before you can take that new fresh of breath.

    None of my friends or family liked my ex, they all hinted for so long that she was a very bad person but I in denial blinded by love kept trying. One of my friend told me after the breakup when we were at lunch: “let her ruin someone elses life”. So Sofia, think of it like Gonzo said let your ex ruin someone elses life, you are worth more and you deserve more.

    When I just broke up I tried meeting new girls but I just couldn’t, I didn’t have it in me, I was not ready. I was still struggling with understanding why things ended the way they did. But time allowed me to start getting back to my senses, why should my ex go and have fun while I seat here crying about it.

    Yesterday I had one of my bad days, I started contradicting everything. There is this thing that bothers me, I don’t have her on my facebook anymore but for some reason she hasn’t deleted the pictures of me. She kept like 20-30 pictures of me alone in them for a reason (I know because I am tagged in them). Why would she keep them? Maybe she thinks one day I’ll come back to her, maybe she forgot to delete them. But you see, all this makes me think and think and think, and there is no positive outcome. So why do this to this to ourselves?!?!?! Why not put all this thinking into good causes? Stop thinking about your ex, put an X on the ex and start moving forward!

    I can’t help you, you can only help yourself. I learned that when people tried to help me but I refused to listen. Now I understand what they meant and I am slowly getting back on track. I know I am a good person because I have so many good people around me that are there for me. I am sure you got the same ambiance as well. You should understand what happened and also understand it is not the end of the world it is actually an opening for a better new beginning

    Jun 6th, 2009

19. William

    Facebook and relationships is a HORRIBLE combination…

    I spent days checking her facebook out, until I couldn´t any more..I became obsessed, and I decided to erase her. I still have some common friends and I see tagged photos of what she´s doing..etc…I think I should erase ALL connections with her cause still after 4 mnths…it´s still making me feel bad.

    BTW, maybe I´m stupid or something, but today is her sister´s wedding (yes, the sister that is smarter, beautifuler and has the perfect boyfriend), and I of course was invited until I broke up with her. Seems weird, but I feel really bad that I´m not in that wedding, and I don´t know why it is…her family loved me, she just erased me from her life…I wonder if they ask her about me or whatnot…I wish I was in that wedding with her…

    Bottomline…she´s still not out of my head…

    Jun 6th, 2009

20. NO NAME

    Yesterday I took another step forward, I untagged myself from every photo she had of me on Facebook! Now I don’t care if she kept them or not, i’ll never know and I don’t care! I feel so much better now! Never thought simple things can do such a big difference!

    Jun 7th, 2009

21. Sofia

    I’ve fallen into a hole again :-/ Yesterday I saw a tagged picture on his FB of him and the other girl…. It got me thinking how he never paraded me around to parties or involved me in his life very much. I caved in & called him a few times and sent him a text, to no avail. He didn’t respond. I’ve been through so many ups & downs these months, and I’m seriously thinking I won’t get over this pain. I’ve begun crying myself to sleep again and waking up and thinking about him…and how I wasn’t good enough or good looking enough to be with him. Sometimes it’s hard to find reasons to make it through the day.

    NO NAME said my current state of mind the best: “Why should my ex go and have fun while I seat here crying about it.”

    Why? Because I’m going through the phase of breaking up where I don’t feel like I deserve better than I’m feeling. I don’t have any friends to lean on anymore because they’re sick of hearing about my ex….I recently lost my job so I’m struggling to cope with the copious amounts of time I have everyday, every waking moment to think about him.

    Jun 9th, 2009

22. Sofia

    I love this quote by Mahatma Gandhi: “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” stay strong, everyone.

    Jun 12th, 2009

23. Gonzo

    Yeah, Facebook is indeed the worst thing that ever happened to heartsick people. Before social networking, people had to make a real effort to find out what their ex was up to, which meant you had to ask other people. This made it public that you were actively still interested/obsessing, which few people wanted to do. Now, it’s totally anonymous. You can instantly find out what your ex’es plans are, who they’re talking to, etc. Having it instantly and anonymously accessible just prolongs it indefinitely. It took me a while, but I’m just now getting to the point where I’m ready to delete myself from my ex’es friend list.

    Jun 12th, 2009

24. Gonzo

    Oh yeah, to Sophia - The first time I saw a pic of my ex and her new boyfriend it set me back quite a bit too. In fact it was a lot worse to actually see it than it had been to hear about it.

    Jun 12th, 2009

25. William

    erase them from FB…do yourselves a BIG favor!

    Jun 12th, 2009

26. William

    hey guys…you NEED to read this!!

    http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862.html

    It has helped me SOOOO much

    Good luck!

    Jun 13th, 2009

27. Sofia

    William, that was the best link in the world!!!! I printed it out & stuck it on my bedroom wall. EVERYONE needs to read that. I am going through the exact same patten and expectations as the person wrote about.

    Oh, and my ex has been gone from my FB for awhile. Embarrassed to admit, but I log onto a friend’s account (who doesn’t know I have her password) to view his profile. Self-restraint & power will make me stop. I havent looked in a few days, so I’m getting better. I think the beautiful east coast weather lately has helped change my outlook.

    Jun 14th, 2009

28. William

    Sofia..that forum is HUGE! It saved my life, haha! I have read ALL the posts probably in these weeks (yes, I got a bit too deep into it, haha) and I feel SOOOO much better now you can´t imagine. There is SO many people in our situation you cant imagine. I am here surrounded by couples and I guess I needed some evasion, some comprehension from people in my situation..i found that here, but I found even more in that forum…take your time to read the posts…NC is the way I now know

    If I had a printer (yeah Im weird) I would have done the same as you! haha!

    Im glad it helped!

    Oh…and I have done weird things as the FB thing you mentioned to get some info on her..but that was a month ago..im over that DONE!

    Jun 15th, 2009

29. Gonzo

    So I’m feeling a lot less intense about the ex at this point. What made all the difference was forcing myself to put on a happy face and go out on a date (I signed up for an internet dating site shortly after the breakup). We actually had a pretty good conversation, and I was feeling confident enough to make a move. We ended up making out a little. The next day, I found myself thinking about the new person instead of my ex. The melancholy feeling had diminshed quite a bit. I think it’s a combination of feeling good about the “accomplishment” plus the relief of knowing there’s a potential to make new friends.

    Another positive thing that happened recently was I briefly saw a few members of my old circle of friends at one of my old haunts. This was the first time I’ve seen any of them since the breakup. The guys were friendly and welcoming, while the girls were moderately standoffish. I can deal with that.

    Finally, I’ve seen a few pics of the new guy and my ex, and I’m actually feeling pretty good about myself as a result. The “go to the gym if you’re depressed” strategy appears to be very sound.

    I hope everyone else is doing well.

    Jun 20th, 2009

30. Sofia

    I have my ups and downs. I was doing well, until about 10 min ago. I used my friend’s account to add my ex’s “new girl” (the one he unexpectedly left me for) on FB. Big mistake. Her default picture is of her laying on my ex’s bed with his dog. I started to sweat and shake.

    Evidentially, I haven’t gotten over my ex…But his life has moved on as if I were never part of it. That is what kills me; That you can dedicate your life for someone for 3 years, then in an instant, another girl can swoop in and take him away — and he will live life as if the past 3 years never happened. How is that possible? Do men have switch that they can turn on and off?

    I never got closure. I never got a reason - I had to snoop around FB in a horribly unhealthy manner to find out about this “other girl.” Infact, did I mention that I was DUMPED VIA TEXT MESSAGE? It kills me inside that he makes time to spend with another girl, but wouldn’t do it with me….Therefore, this proves that this is all MY fault. It doesn’t help when I have people telling me how nice I am, how pretty I am, or how I “deserve better,” or “the right guy will come along.” That doesn’t help nor does it help me understand my situation.

    I don’t know how you guys do it, but really…I can’t get over this. Gonzo, I’m happy you’re going on dates!! I wish I could muster the strength to do so. Even if this date doesn’t blossom into anything, the fact that you’re getting out there and trying is healthy.

    Jun 20th, 2009

31. Gonzo

    Sofia - I wouldn’t say his making time for the new woman indicates the breakup was your fault. He just wasn’t mentally ready for a relationship at the time he was going out with you (judging from your posts, which sound a lot like my past).

    As for the “flipping a switch” part, William made an astute observation in oone of his posts. He said, “I guess its normal that one of the two is gonna start dating right away, and the other one will take more time.” That was certainly the case with me. My ex was dating another guy within 2 weeks of breaking up with me.

    In keeping with that, it has been my experience that in a breakup, one person will go the extrovert route (meeting someone new shortly after the breakup), while the other person goes the introvert route (retreating into isolation and depression). There’s probably some yet-unknown biological reason for this. But it is almost always the case, in my experience.

    Stay strong.

    Jun 20th, 2009

32. Sofia

    I’ve been trying to channel my energy into other sources - starting a blog, dreams of starting my own non profit or writing for pleasure, yoga, happy hour with friends, sitting in a coffee shop on my day’s off and running. It’s impossible to keep my mind busy and active 24 hours, so I slide into a depression on my “down time” and imagine my ex in bed with the other girl, happy and smiling. I don’t think this is normal, so I’m contemplating getting help from a therapist. I don’t want “happy pills.” — There aren’t any pills that can erase my past relationship from my memory.

    I’m exhausted of being in this state of self-pity and “woe is me.” I can’t shake out of it and my friends seem sick of it. I’m constantly tempted to contact my ex and ask for closure, but hearing his voice might do me more harm. I think what I miss is the passion…We had so much passion and could barely keep our hands off each other. I wonder if I will ever be able to recreate that passion with anyone else.

    All of us went the introvert route and I would never wish this upon anyone. If I’ve learned anything from this ordeal, it’s being more sensitive to other people’s feelings. I never understood when people made a big fuss over breaking up their significant other - “Who cares?” I would tell myself. Boy, oh boy, was I ever wrong. Love unrequited is one of the worst human tortures.

    Jun 21st, 2009

33. William

    SHIT!!!!

    I wrote this HUGE and full of hope response…and I just lost it…I hate my life!! hahaha!

    I actually did an update of my status…and a bug reflexion on life…damnit!

    I´ll try and rethink of it and do it later…

    SOFIA! I just wanna copy this quote for you…

    “You did your best and she was not good enough for it. I’ll repeat that. You did your best and she was not good enough for it. You gave her your time, energy, love, and trust. She’s had her chance. She failed. I’ll repeat that. She failed. Not you. Her. If you gave her that and she can’t accept all that you gave her, she deserves to go find someone who treats her down on her level and you deserve someone that treats you up on your level.”

    Hang in there, STOP hurting yourself…DONT think about him or his new girl…just think about your life and how to make it better!! iTs over with that prick…let them enjoy the “Leftovers” You worry about healing your self and soon you will be ready to be happy again. It will take effort, but nothing in this life is given easily…so start with it and dont let that guy ruin it. DOnt hink about him anymore! He is PAST! Think of your present, that will lead you to a nice future

    Sad but true..in this life..couples always work the same way. One gives more than the other. I have been in both sides, and I hate being dumped…but I also feel sorry for the girls I have dumped…so, just think of it as something normal in this life…bad things lead to better ones..a closed door opens another one..etc

    I´ll re do my post later…

    Hang in there guys…we gotta make it!!!

    Jun 22nd, 2009

34. William

    SOfia..I was thinking of the therapist too…but I have been already twice in my life in endless sessions and what I learned is that all they do is listen to you and trigger a desire in yourself to change and improve…my experience is that you can do that on your own. If you start by not thinking in your ex every time you have your “free time”…thats whats killing you…so work on that. The rest you are doing pretty good, so just work on that little thing thats still bothering you.

    Jun 22nd, 2009

35. No Name

    Sofia like the comedian Russell Peters says it “take it and go!” lol. What I am trying to say is no, yes NO ONE needs to be hurtin, you have to accept that what happened did happen and there is no going back. It happen because it did not work out and not because you were at fault. You and only you can help yourself. By thinking about it constantly and asking yourself why, you are taking an open wound and scratching it even more. Start the healing process live life at its fullest and enjoy yourself! After all you are here not because of him, not because of your past relationship but because of YOU! You want to be happy? You want to enjoy life? You want to find someone to love and be loved in return? Then do yourself a favor and STOP moon walking and START moving forward. Just by seeing what you wrote here I can tell that you are a loving and carrying person, that you do deserve better and that YOU WILL find that special someone. Give it time and use your past for a positive reason, use it as a learning experience which and make yourself STRONG because now you know and you are ready.

    I was just like you and then I said to myself WHY?!?!?! and Where is this going? I am like in some kind of spell going in a loop. That is when I woke up one day and decided that its time, time to get back on track, time to become a better person, time to LIVE LIFE and NEVER EVER regret what happened to me in the past. Because what happened did happen and I learned from it, that’s what makes me a better person today, and you Sofia are a MUCH better person, I know it and I believe in you

    Sofia you can help yourself remember only you can help yourself. We can only guide you buy only you can help yourself.

    Jun 22nd, 2009

36. No Name

    I just reread what I wrote and there are so many mistakes lol…anyhow I guess the main idea is pretty straight forward.

    We are here for one another and we will prevail! So keep going and think positively! See the world from a different perspective, live life to its fullest!

    It has been 3 months now since my official breakup, I met new people, I started new hobbies, I am much closer to my best friends then I used to be, I live and I enjoy myself. It’s as if my ex never existed, I can’t believe I actually reached this point but I did and so can everyone else!!

    Jun 23rd, 2009

37. William

    yeah..I was at my best peak until I got a text from her (my ex) to meet up so she could give me my stuff and I would give her her things back…

    Dunno why but I´m having trouble with this…

    Should I meet her, get through the bullshit and leave…or should I just become myself unavailable…doing the same things she did afetr our breakup?? She honestly doesn´t deserve nothing good from me from how she did the breakup (blowing me off, not answering emails or calls..) but I dont know whats better for me… I know if I see her, Im gonna go back in my healing process and that would suck! Its gonna be tough… what do you guys think?

    Jun 24th, 2009

38. No Name

    I had the exact same thing happen to me. She had my stuff and called me to get them. Like a fool I picked up and agreed to meet her up. I told myself “I need to confront her for the last time”. Boy was it the worse mistake I made. So you want my advice? Well here is what’s going to happen and you decide:

    If you meet her:

    - You will come back to point zero, she will know that she still has you on a leech and she can do as she pleases. You will feel degraded and it will just slow down your heeling process. It won’t bring her back, it won’t make things better between you and her. I know because I went through this and I ended up crying about it afterwords.

    If you don’t meet her:

    - You will boost your ego because now you know that she ain’t worth your time and who cares about these stuff, consider them lost for a good reason. Not that you should care but she will see that you moved on and she is forgotten and not something that you got in mind. Don’t answer move on, you will feel better, it will be a step further, a step you won’t regret.

    You can’t change her, you know how she was with you, she won’t change, this won’t change, you DON’T NEED it

    So use this for your own good, see this as a stepping stone, your ego will rise, ignore the forgotten and forget you shall.

    Jun 24th, 2009

39. William

    Thanks That helped a lot… Really…

    Jun 24th, 2009

40. Sofia

    I received an email out of the blue (in response to an email I sent over one month ago, LOL) from my ex on Monday saying that he understands his actions have hurt me and “things haven’t been easy for him either.” I, of course, tried to analyze and read between every word of his five-sentence email. However, I’m not going to respond.

    It’s difficult living in this city because I saw him at a nightclub over the weekend – with the new girl. This was the FIRST time I had been out at night in months, and I friggin’ see him (from afar)! I left immediately, and he did not see me. Towards the end of our relationship, with the exception of New Years, he never brought me out to social settings or out with his friends. I interpreted that I was too ugly or embarrassing to be seen with him. No matter how neglectful I recall that he was, it doesn’t make me like him any less. Maybe I was attracted to who I thought he was, or the image of being with someone and companionship.

    It’s a shame that I put so much POWER into ONE MAN. No one should make us feel so inferior, and no one can make us FEEL inferior without our consent. I am letting him get to me and I am letting these feelings take control of my life. Pain has comforted me. I have become so accustomed to feeling down and dejected regarding my ex, that it almost comforts and protects me like a blanket.

    I DO need some sort of therapy. I’ve been having vivid dreams of my ex in which I create situations of pure bliss and happiness. But then I wake up, turn over and realize no one is lying next to me in bed, and the happiness I wasn’t real. Sometimes I experience feelings of hate and anger, to the point where I want to contact his ‘new girl’ and say things to ruin their relationship. I found a therapist that integrates mind and body techniques, such as yoga and relaxation, to help our self-esteem. I might look into that…I think my feelings stem from undiscovered anxiety, depression or self-esteem issues I was never aware of.

    I also will print out what William & NO NAME said in their posts and read it when I’m dwelling on the past again. Thank you

    Jun 26th, 2009

41. Sofia

    WILLIAM, what did you end up doing with your ex? Why can’t you mail the stuff to her, or ask your friend to deliver it to her house? DONT SEE HER. I’ve made mistakes of attempting to communicate with my ex, and it has brought me back to square one.

    Jun 26th, 2009

42. William

    SOFIA, I didnt even answer her text. The problem is that she is paying my phone bill (long story) and I have to pay her July, so that´s kinda something I can´t pass on. SO basically I have to make a check to her without talking to her or seeing her, cause I honestly don´t want to see her. I thought about dropping it by her moms mailbox, or asking her for her bank account to do direct deposit..but that would involve texting her (communication), and I dont want to. So…I basically skipped on it…avoided dealing with it (like she did at the end of our relationship) and just let some days pass until I figure it out, or somebody shows me the right path to go

    This sucks so bad…I usually have a good relationship (friendly) with all my exes, but the way she behaved doesn´t make me want to be friendly at all with her. All I needed was her to see me in person and talk about it, in stead of emailing me…I also think (yes, I think too much…Im a Scorpio) that maybe the fact that she wants to see me to give me my stuff back is probably to see if Im in a better mood to talk about everything…since when we broke up I wasnt very happy about it…I dont know…Im not having any hopes about us (I dont even want her back, she sucks…she proved it already), but I would like to talk about everything..but she never had the balls to do it..so why would she have them now??

    What do you think?

    Jun 26th, 2009

43. William

    And Sofia…Im in the same place you are. Im doing the right things…but I still cant take her 100% out of my brain. I wake up every morning missing her..even 5 months AFTER!!!!!!!!! IS that crazy?? I dont even understand it! I heard about this therapy: every time you think about him/her, just act like if you changed the TV channel…literally…and dont even think about them, like if they dont existed. I do that in the bad times where Im almost crying and remembering things with her. But it sucks…cause I have been really well lately…I just needed ONE text from her to ruin everything! Im back to square ONE!! And I didnt even see her! So what would happen if I did see her? hehe. This is horrible…we all need to “click” and change completely. It´ll come, eventually, I just want it NOW!!!!

    How can one person even when they are not thinking about us (cause they probably arent..in all honesty) be in our brains for so much time??

    Im a freelance worker (so I have a lot of free time)…and you recently lost your job, right? So I guess if we both found something that kept us active and busy ALL the time…it would help a lot…I dunno..I guess its just a matter of characters..some people dont give a crap and move on easily..and others worry about things too much (like I do)…when they shouldn´t…

    I know it will be over someday..but…when??? haha

    Jun 26th, 2009

44. Sofia

    When I try to change the channel, all the channels are programed to think of him. I want to change the channel RIGHT NOW because I DID IT AGAIN - I told myself I wouldn’t even log onto FB, period. But I did and searched the ‘new girl.’ The recently tagged photo was of him and her on trip together. Again…. it feels like he stuck a knife into my heart and twisted and twisted. 2 to 3 months in, and they are already out of town together??? We didn’t do anything… Except for a trip to Florida, but 1 and a half years later. See, despite making him seem like the world’s biggest jerk and neglectful, I am absolutely head over heels for him. I had an angry text written out that I was going to send him, but dedicated to post a message here instead. So I have tears in my eyes.

    I think your ex and my ex should get together and meet. They can talk about how they both are incapable of closure, how they both don’t have the guts to talk to ex’s and how they both liked to disappear - “Out of sight, out of mind” must be their life motto.

    You’re correct - I recently lost my job in the publishing industry and have been applying/interviewing. I obviously spend a good amount of time in front of the computer (job searching, sending out resumes), so it is difficult to NOT log onto FB. I lack any self-control. As a said before, I must secretly love suffering.

    I really want to send an ANGRY text, but I know that it will not accomplish anything. It will hurt me more, because I know he wouldn’t respond. I know that it would make me look all the more unstable and unattractive. My friend told me that the more and more I act like this, the closer he will get to his “new girl” because she will look all the more stable and normal…. Ouch.

    Jun 27th, 2009

45. William

    OMG Sofia…stop hurting yourself!!! It´s way not necessary!!! So what if they are travelling together? Maybe they travel cause all the rest of their relationship sucks!!! You know relationships are different..you meet new people and you do different things with that person..if you went to the same places and did the same things with every boyfriend you have..that would be very boring But yes, I know where are you coming from…why would he want to do trips with her and not with me when I tried so hard? Well..a story for you: I had this amazing gf like 6 years ago (my first love)…we never went on a trip together. I tried, and tried…go to Paris, Rome, you know..couldnt make it. Her next boyfriend, who ended up being an old friend of mine (who I dont talk to anymore…), took her on a coupe of trips. I felt SO bad I wanted t die. Well..some time later, a mutual friend told me that they had to cancel both trips because she was very “delicate” and she got food posioning everytime she travelled. They broke up a month later… I felt so much better with myself , hehe. But yeah, it doesnt matter what they do. Now its your time to move on, get a new and better boyfriend, and travel all the world if thats what you want I love travelling, and I have had 6 gf in my life. WIth 3 I travelled, with the other 3 I didnt…doesn´t mean I liked them more or less…just different

    ANd..about our exes meeting…I think they can better f·$% off and dont bother us more Maybe they would love each other, since they are so similar, haha!

    The job thing…I totally know thats one of the reasos why we haven´t moved on yet…so..be comprehensive with yourself…and know that as soon as you get a job or more things to do, it will get better. And hey..new job means meeting new people So in the meantime, PLEASE dont torture yourself…it´s not gonna make any difference to good..just to worse. You have to understand that. No point in thinking about it anymore. If all the channels have him…dont watch TV turn it off! Buy a DVD like forgetting sarah marshall Or Swingers There is hope after you see those 2 movies, trust me

    I am now in the point where I understand that we were not meant to be together, but regret the way things ended up….all the blowing off…no communication thing…I think that SUCKS. There are phases in all of this, and we are going slowly, but we are going. You are still in the hate phase, where you would love to kill him and the girl…but that will go away soon. I honestly jump forward in phases, and backwards…I think my case is kinda different…haha! I go forward and then backwards…i gotta get my brain checked Somedays are awesome…some days are horrible…STILL!!! Maybe I´m not patient enough…who knows!

    I would suggest erasing everybody related to him on FB. I have done it, and the fact that the news feeds dont talk about her all the time, kinda helps more. Realising that we are a LOT of people dealing with this right now helps too…you will find that somethings help a lot, and you have to stick to them. For example, staying at home for me is killer, so I try to avoid it. I call people and go on hikes or whatever. I love walking around my neigbourhood, so I´ll probably do that now…Find out the things that make you feel better, and focus n them. Find out all the things that remind you of him (I know, probably too many things), and try to avoid them. Thats what my ex did..and it worked for her, so why wouldnt that work for us? hehe.

    I just wrote my ex an email (yes…I SUCK, I am stupid, I should have done that, haha! But I DID!) telling her I dont feel like seeing her, that Im still a bit affected, that im doing better, but right now seeing her would be bad for me. I also told her how I feel about all she did to me, in a relaxed way, and how I think we could have made things easier by just talking in stead of ignoring me. And you know what? I feel better now. Probably she answers later or whenever and the answer will crush me..but at least these hours of happiness, are worth the email And hell, Im not having any hopes of going back with her so why would her email hurt me anyway? I didnt ask about her private life! I dont even wanna know! So yes, I understand when you say that everybody tells you if you text you are gojng to look worse, etc… I dont really care now. Its all over, so I cant make things worse. Im just being honest and sincere, and I believe that tthats the best way to be in this life, being true to yourself, and I feel better when I act like that. Im not saying that you should text him angry things. Just forget what he is doing, and dont get angry about what he is doing or who he is seeing..after all he is free now, which is what he wanted, so there is not much you can do there. Avoid angry texts, just wait some time until you have something substantial to tell, or just dont even write again. I just wrote because I need to pay my ex the phone bill…if I didnt have to, trust me, I wouldnt have ever written back. Avoid fighting…its not worth it

    Jun 27th, 2009

46. No Name

    How would you feel if she ignores your email and not answers it at all
    Its will hurt big time, I know since it happened to me. So be ready for it. You shouldn’t have emailed her back. Now you eliminated any progress you did. You also showed her that she can talk to you whenever she pleases. When I did the same people around would say “man you got no balls” that my ex treated me soooooooo badly and yet I went and wanted to talk to her. Now I see why they called me that

    So you might feel good now but I tell you it wasn’t a wise choice to make guaranteed. Remember I was with my ex for a little over 6 years, when I found out what she did behind my back which just added to the way she treated me all these years I was devastated but still wanted her back. Think with your head not with your heart, you broke up because of some reason, you were hurt and abused emotionally. Is that what you want? Time is passing by it ain’t stoping to tick. The more you stay stuck on this point the less chances you got to move on and find that special one. She on the other hand is probably moving on at a faster pace because she never cared from the get go about you. I am saying all this because I went through it and still going through it. But now I feel much better and I promissed myself to never ever EVER talk to my ex AGAIN! Because I finally understood my self worth and that she ain’t worth a millisecond of my time. I gave her way too many years and now its time to move on. Yes I want to find that special one ASAP but I know deep down that it won’t happen, t takes time.

    So use your head and not your broken heart, do what needs to be done for the sake of your past and the future to come. Remember I said in an earlier post of mine that what makes us good people is that we learn from our mistakes and make sure not to point the finger on others when we are at fault. So learn from your mistakes and make sure not to make the same mistakes again.

    My opinion: by writing her the email you just proved to her that you are still stuck on her, that what she did to you she can do again because look your still there. She might even think you are a loser, desperate that clinches to people. Its sad to say but cold blooded people like your ex and mine think they are perfect and that we are psycho. My ex called my a psycho when we broke up with various other words after I emailed her back. It made her feel ALOT more superior to me because now she had the upper hand on things. She f*cked with my life and emotions and now she had me on a leech on top of it.

    So why do this to yourself, like my best friend told me “dude get some balls and move on with your life”

    Jun 27th, 2009

47. William

    Well…I dont see it that way really. I needed to contact her cause I need to pay her the freakin phone bill (which I hate, but thats what I have…), and I CAN¨t just avoid that and not pay her…so basically, since I had to contact her, all I did was be honest about my feelings. Not that she would care, and I dont even care if she answers or not…I just feel better by saying that. She is the one fucking up, I´m being the honest guy here, I dont think there should be anything wrong with that…I feel better with myself cause I consider myself a decent person..if she doenst care, laughs at me or whatever..she is the one that sucks, not me. Its over already, and I dont have ANY hope at all, so why would I care if she thinks Im an idiot? I think she´s a bitch, so I guess thats worse! What I am sure about is that soon she will regret it…the same way I have regretted dumping some girls I was with before…that were perfect and by no reason I ended up dumping them cause I got bored. Days like today I think of them and say..WTF did I do?? Why did I dump em? And the same way my first girl that dumped me, after 4 years told me recently she regretted so much having done that cause she still loved me, and it was too late now cause I hated her too much…I dont agree with how exes are viewed most of the time. Yes, majority are whores/motherfuckers that deserve all the bad things to happen to them…but there are a few with normal reasons to dump a person. Hell..I have dumped more than 4 girls in my life, and I dont consider myself a bad person for that…there were reasons…I did it…end of the story.

    If people reccomend NC or ignoring your ex, its not so they feel our loss, its just to focus on ourselves. I am focusing on myself now…and because I am, I decided to write her, tell her that I dont feel like seeing her (cause its the truth after all), and by the way, “you sucked big time these last months”. Am I a loser for that? I dont think so…I dont even want an answer..I just want her to read that. Whatever she does with it..I dont care…I am in a situation that I HAVE to have a minimum contact with her due to th phone bill…so…I guess its better to do it in a correct way instead of playing games like she did. The fact that she is a bitch and an inmature person doesn´t mean I have to do/be the same.

    And yes…I have got the balls to move on…I just have bad days..and whn those days come, its like if I hadnt advanced at all…but then other days come like today where I really feel the progress…and know where my head is at, and know that I can handle the email…yes, probably whenever I go down again, I´ll be fucked…but I will be fucked anyway if I write or if I dont write the email.

    So, lets just hope I can keep in a good mood for a while…hehe.

    Jun 28th, 2009

48. Sofia

    I hope you can keep this good mood up. I am still in phase one where I feel like ignoring an ex will make them feel and realize my loss. That’s not how it should be, as mentioned by everyone earlier; We shouldn’t speak to them so we may work on ourselves….Maybe I don’t want to work on myself. Maybe I want to hold onto my false hope that my ex will come around if I disappear. Ironically, I did briefly worked in May…I cut off all communication throughout the month of May and guess what? On June 1st, I received a text message and phone call from him (did not pick up the phone) saying that he was “not healed and missed me.” Huh? What IS that about? What a jerk….He probably sensed that I was moving forward, so he had to sweep back into my life and make his presence known again. Ever since June 1st, I have been in a terrible depressed mood (As evident with my postings), because now more than ever, I am holding onto the past, and thinking that there’s a slight chance he may come back to me.

    Why do we hold on to someone who treated us like dirt? Why do I feel that I need him so badly? Does he validate my existence? Does he make me feel better about myself? That is ridiculously unhealthy….I shouldn’t rest my own self-worth on someone else. Because now that my ex is out of the picture, I feel worthless and less of a human being. It seems that not only is dating a “game,” but breaking up is a silly game, too. You have to play your cards right and not succumb to appearing readily available. I have expressed my deep pain and hurt to my ex, even telling him “he ruined my life.” LOL how dramatic! I really, really regret ever letting him know the psychological pain he has caused me, because I just gave my ex all the cards in his hand and gave him immense power.

    It’s kind of “drunk goggles”…you know, when you’re at a bar or party and you’ve had a little too much drink, therefore everyone around you appears incredibly attractive. I feel like I have those on! I’ll call them “love goggles”….No matter how poorly we were treated in our relationship, we have these glasses on that makes our ex appear fantastic. As a result, we have our good days, our bad days…Just like flipping the channel, I need to take my goggles off ASAP

    Jun 28th, 2009

49. William

    well then lets ALL take those love goggles out of our faces! Cause I bet we all have had them (I still have them probably..only on one eye, though, haha).

    Jun 28th, 2009

50. Gonzo

    “I feel like I have those on! I’ll call them “love goggles”….No matter how poorly we were treated in our relationship, we have these glasses on that makes our ex appear fantastic. ”

    Totally true. I’m someone who tends to block the negative aspects of my old relationship out of my memory. As a result, I start wondering why I ever broke up with the person, since ‘looking back, things weren’t so bad.’ But then I remind myself that there must have been things that were seriously wrong, otherwise I wouldn’t have left.

    Jun 28th, 2009

51. William

    I even remember the bad things about her…and still want her back (somedays…not always)!! wtf? I even remember that I wanted to dump her up to four times before she dumped me…and still I can´t believe it!! She had a LOT of issues..but I still loved her!!!

    Jun 29th, 2009

52. No Name

    Thats the confusion most do, its not love but you got confortable having her around. You learned to deal with her but it wasn’t love really or else you wouldn’t want to dump her all the time. You wanted to dump her because something told you inside that you deserve better, that you shouldn’t be treated this way.

    I wanted to dump my ex several times, infact I dumped her 4 times before and like a fool came back to her. This time is the longest time me and her haven’t spoken to one another after we broke up. This time I finally understood that she is not what I need and that me and her we just can’t be together or else it will be an emotional battle for the rest of our lives.

    A relationship takes two people, its team work, if one is willing to do everything while the other doesn’t give a craps a** then it won’t work. That is why me, you, Sofia, Gonzo are here, because we cared, because we wanted to make things better. But the other link did not care, or they knew we are good people and just took advantage of it.

    I still think sometimes that my ex will one day call me, but will it ever happen? I don’t know. Will I pick up the phone? NO!. Does it really matter? NO!. But I still think about it. I still have memories of the good days we had, but I learned to forgive and forget. I learned to control myself. I am no longer afraid of bumping into her one day (even though she moved out of the city for work not too long ago so the chances are slim).

    My ex treated me like an “old rug” and yet I gave her all until the last day. I even kept talking to her on the phone after leaving her. But I guess we all have that break-off day. You see after I left her I wasn’t ready to leave her, I was still in denial. It took 2 months of phone conversations to finally click that she is selfish and just doesn’t want to make this work, blaming everything on me even though she was caught doing stuff behind my back and was really treating me badly (all my friends and family even her parents saw the same). But the break-off day came and since day we haven’t spoke.

    Life goes on, there are TONS of people out there for everyone, its hard but if its not meant to be then why force it and be miserable for the rest of your life?

    Jun 29th, 2009

53. William

    yes in deed…agree with everything you said there…we are fortunate for having Internet and things like this..I would be SO lost if we didn´t have it!

    I´m from Europe, and there ALL my friends recently broke up with their couples and they are having a lot of fun right now, but I live in USA now (for the last 3 years) and here EVERYBODY has a relationship going on…its very difficult to hang in with all the couples and I´m always the only guy alone, haha…well, not always, but just for the last 4months..and it sucksss! I´ve always been good with being single, I usually liked being single, but I dunno why, this time I´m having more trouble…I think I´m (finally) growing up, haha!

    Do you guys feel the same? Or are you happy singles now? haha

    Jun 29th, 2009

54. No Name

    Its funny you mentioned it, I was the same as you, I did not have problems being alone. But with time I matured and wanted to settle already. I never expected to be single after a 6 yr relationship where I really did everything and tried so hard to make it work.

    To make things worse all my best friends are either newly wed or just got engaged. I was the first one from all my friends who had a stable girlfriend (my ex). Now I am left alone while every single one of my friends is in a stable relationship. No one would have thought a guy like me will end up like this. My younger sister is getting married in a few months to make things more awful. However I refuse to see this in a bad way, not anymore, I refuse to see myself as a loser. I am very close to my mom and she told me to thank god for what happened because I could have been stuck with kids married to a mad woman. You got to believe in yourself and see that this is nothing, you are still young and it is never too late to start all over. Be motivated and don’t blame no one for this. You were not at fault nor your ex, the relationship was just not working.

    Of course we want to have someone to care about and to love, someone who we can call and go out with, someone who will love us and care for us. So to answer your question, for now I do enjoy the single life, it is FAR better then the life I had with my ex. I was in constant depression, had headaches, stomach pains, I wasn’t myself anymore and people around me saw it more then I did. So being single is not how I would have seen myself at this point but to be honest with you this whole breakup made matured me and I learned how to give myself some self worth. I got more time for myself and I now know what I want in a woman. I also know what to look out for

    William you’ll do fine, 3 months ago I was crying every single day, 3 months ago I closed myself in my room took some days off work, 3 months ago I was counting the days that I haven’t spoken to my ex. 3 months ago I did not know what to do anymore, I felt like I lost everything and living wasn’t worth anything. But now I am in a point of no return. There are days now that I ask myself was I really that stupid all these years, what was I thinking, I even have a little giggle about it cuz I acted like a fool. She treated me like an object, she had no feelings or respect towards me and I was crying about it and having doubts about this?!?!?! WTF! lol…

    Maybe it was a little easier for me to recuperate because I have soooooo many people that were there for me (family and friends). I thank them all for this. My married and engaged friends took me out nevertheless and still call me to date sometimes to ask if I am doing ok. You see when you are a good person people cherish that. I always put others first, my ex just took advantage of it.

    Just hang in there and don’t think about it too much, time will heal but you got to help time do so.

    Jun 29th, 2009

55. Gonzo

    “I´ve always been good with being single, I usually liked being single, but I dunno why, this time I´m having more trouble…I think I´m (finally) growing up, haha!”

    Funny, I’m in the same boat as you and No Name. For my entire life up to now, I absolutely had the confirmed bachelor mindset. I gave up a couple of really great women simply because I didn’t want to commit. I was always happier single.

    My most recent ex was a good fit for that mentality to an extent - she gave me plenty of space, and she had her own life outside of the relationship. But that’s also what caused our downfall. Turns out her outwardly casual attitude was covering up increasing frustration with my lack of committment. It finally came to a head, which resulted in the breakup.

    I think that was a bit of a wakeup call for me. I realized how much time I had wasted, and also that I was unintentionally being passive-aggressive and using her to an extent by not committing. I also think I had matured during the relationship, and realized I needed to let her go so I could find someone more compatible.

    At this point in time, I’ve been on a few dates with a girl I met a couple of weeks ago. My feelings about her are 100x more intense than they were for my ex. It’s largely because my attitude towards relationships has changed dramatically. The subconscious urge to hold back on the committment just isn’t really there anymore.

    Jun 29th, 2009

56. William

    Thanks guys!

    Its obviously the “path of life”, hehe. At the beginning I wanted to forget my ex…almost done…now I have to respect myself as a newly single…not yet done, haha. I know I´ll be fine…it´s just this time in between that I´m afraid of. As I said, I´ve been here before, but before I didn´t care, I liked it..now I have to go back to liking it. As I said to all my friends when it happened, it was weird for me to go from a “I dont wana a girl in my life” to..”oh shit. I like this girl and I dont wanna be alone if I can be with her”. Then after a year I have to go back to my previous mentanlity, now that I had done that string effort of changing, that has taken me a LOT. Now that I made it (all my previous ex would be amazed if they saw me now…), I have to go back…thats what sucks! But well..I´m all for it…working on it, meeting more girls, etc… I´ve never been a girl “stalker”…I have usually waited until something happened, and It has always worked for me…now I´m even starting to think about talking to them before they do to me, haha!

    I do have tons of friends (to whom I´ve talked non stop in the last months), and my family is now here in USA with me for 3 months..so it´s all good. I still miss my ex…cause, I mess her company..not really her bullshit, but I miss “having a girlfriend” and be with my family…for once in my life, I liked the idea, and I miss that. I guess it was not the right one, and there will come better ones to enjoy in the future. As Gonzo said…I will probably enjoy the next one 100 times more and be more intense…I just wish it came soon…but I never believed in it, things happen when you less expect them, and if you are “waiting” for them, they wont come…so I guess I´ll have to stay single for a while, and enjoy my own company, and friends, etc…before the next one comes.

    At least you guys have been in a long lasting relationship..(6 years, for example). I can´t say that yet. My lonngest one was 2 years…I dunno if I can ever manage to do longer than that…ahah! That´s my main fear…being all my life from girl to girl, when what I really want is to find an awesome ONE to stay forever…haha…wow..I can´t believe im saying this

    Thanks guys for your help! Stay tuned for the next downs or ups haha!

    Hope you guys and girl are doing fine!

    Jul 1st, 2009

57. Sofia

    So true, No Name: “Its not love but you were comfortable having her around.” I miss someone hugging me, rolling over and seeing someone next to me, and I miss the idea of him. He made me feel like a better person, and THAT’S what I miss; I miss feeling good about my life and myself. He distracted me from the real issues and problems I didn’t know I had (self-esteem and insecurities) until he broke it off. By doing so, I felt like my world crumbled because I was faced with dealing with reality. I have dealt with reality for about 3 to 4 months and I can tell you, - Reality bites!

    I’m going to be 25 in September and he was my first relationship and the first person I ever liked/loved/cared about. I don’t even say I Love You to my parents but I opened myself up to say I Love You to him (I never heard it back from him, by the way). It took me 25 years to find one person – GREAT….now it’s going to take another 25 years to find another. I’ll be 50 and on my first marriage…

    William, I’ve always been good being single. But I think after getting a taste of a real relationship, I’ve been spoiled and now I want another one! Doesn’t necessarily have to be a serious boyfriend, but at least companionship. That’s all I want. That’s all I need. In America people always feel like they have to have a partner (a least for women) and if you don’t then something’s wrong with you or they look at you like you have two heads. I hate that my friends go on group dinners and bring their boyfriend/girlfriend and I’m dateless or I make up a lie and say I can’t go. I wish I were a man because it’s more culturally acceptable to be unmarried and a bachelor. Being a bachelor is “cool.”

    Being single shouldn’t automatically mean that we’re alone or lonely…Maybe we’re just strong enough to be on our own and we haven’t found anyone that can handle us. In my case, I’m not even looking for someone. I think men can just tell I’m hurt…you can see it on my face…I’m not as confident and sure of myself as I used to be.

    Jul 3rd, 2009

58. NO NAME

    I was looking for an old email on my gmail account earlier today. Went back all the way to 2004 emails and stumbled upon tons of emails between me and my ex. It was around the beginning of our relationship so they were mostly all positive vibes between me and her. Now I got a little messed again. The funny part is I am probably going to have these ups/downs days but she will most definitely never have them. You see she was a person that had a bad relationship with her parents and was a person who could easily relocate and forget people. She did not know what love is, she thought she knew and I thought I could make her fall in love. She could go on months not talking to her own parents. For her breaking up with me (even though I was her first serious boy friend and it last for so long) she still had no problems erasing me completely and moving on. So I noticed all of you were contacted some way or another by your ex’s, but me I am certain she will never do, so its up to me to kill this for good. She was too hard headed and competitive, for her calling me or trying to say she was bad is like losing a competition lol.

    Also, two days ago I had a weird dream. I was asleep and woke up and she was lying in bed with me trying to kiss me but I was trying to hold back. She was forcing it on me and I couldn’t get out of it. I usually don’t remember what I dream about and I haven’t dreamed about her for a while now. Very weird…

    So as you can see even I have my days and this week was a little depressive for me. The funny part is I met very nice girls so I shouldn’t’ be depressed but here I am trying to fight the past and move on.

    I guess after 6 yrs it has been only 3 months thus not enough, it is still fresh in my mind and heart and I was hurt by it ALOT and I’ve lost trust in people. As you can tell I am trying to stay positive and help myself and you guys as I go. It ain’t easy but there is no other outcome for this.

    Jul 3rd, 2009

59. Sofia

    No Name, Based on what I’ve read, you seem to have a great head on your shoulder and seem optimistic and strong - Therefore, I know you’ll get through this. I still have the first email he sent telling me that he really enjoyed his weekend with me. All of the emails were incredibly flirty, so it pains me to think about how I’ll never hear him speak that way to me. But at the same time, I know I won’t delete them any time soon - I still want to hang onto the past.

    I am the queen of weird, symbolic dreams like yours!! I used to keep a notebook next to my bed and record my dreams. When my grandfather died, I had terrible nightmares; When I get into the arguments with my parents or am angry, I have violent dreams. Immediately after breaking up, I had dreams of pure bliss and happiness - I dreamt we were laying in bed, he had his arms around me and everything was back to normal. Nowadays, I have been dreaming not-so-happy thoughts about my ex; For example, yesterday I dreamt that he was getting married to his new girl. I woke up in a panic because it felt so real.

    I think about him during the day, evening and night - AND in my sleep!! Breaking up is truly emotionally and psychologically exhausting. It’s disturbing when my ex shows up in my dreams. But looking at it through a symbolic lens can help ease your mind and find meaning in the dream. I found this paragraph on the internet:

    “You will continue to dream about your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend until you “let go” of them on a very important level, or until you learned your lessons from that relationship. Either way, dreaming about your ex-romance does not predict future involvement. It may be wish-fulfillment, reliving memories, or working out old issues. Dreams are very rarely prophetic.”

    The fact that in your dream, you were trying to pull away from her is a positive sign, but something is pulling you back and not letting you let go.

    By the way, when I was surfing the internet, I found an advice columnist that said: “It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he or she doesn’t care about you.” I want to respond to her and say that’s NOT TRUE. As evident with some of us here, our ex’s feel off the face of the Earth post-break up and, in my case, made it appear like they didn’t care about me. I still feel that if only I were more ‘perfect’, then my ex wouldn’t have ever fallen into the arms of someone else. “IF” this “IF THAT”…

    Jul 3rd, 2009

60. William

    Yeah…this is my second major breakup in my life, and I said that too the first time: “I´ve lost trust in people”…and even 4 years later, I do it again…I say to myseld..you have to trust SOME people…and then it goes to hell! Of course now I think the same, I don´t trust ANYBODY! BUt I guess it´s a normal reaction to pain. Your body doesn´t like it and the way to let you know is feeling rejection towards confidence. Just play with a cat and mess with him..you´ll see how he will later take some time in handling you the same way

    This is gonna be a long process guys…some days will be amazing, and some will be horrible. Iñm myself in a bad one today…rollercoaster, yay! I woke up thinking about my ex and about one thing that I really fucked up that made it all worse…I was regretting things I did in the past. Why? I can´t even change it! Yes, I can learn from it…but I learned the lesson already! SOmetimes our body (at least mine does) likes selfinflicted torture…There is no turning back in my story with this girl (although I still think about her a lot), and yet I am here wondering if I said sorry AGAIN maybe she would forgive me, ha! This is how we react when we are in a low or bad mood. We can´t avoid it I think…but we can avoid thinking and torturing ourselves. How? I don´t know..but at least thats a thought

    No Name, Gmail is Awesome for a lot of things…but again, for exes…it sucks! haha! Everytime I type in a word when I´m searching for something…guess what pops up? Yes…nice emails from my ex! And what do I do? Read them! Why not? haha! And then it´s like..hey…wait…I remember this! If I had said YES to this in stead of NO I woul be with her still! haha Avoidance is the key! It is certainly gonna take more than 3 months, my man! 6 years is a hell of a long relationship! But take it easy! It will come, sooner or later!

    Sofia!!!! You took 25 years to find a good candidate..but it wasn´t THE one. You took 25 years, but in that time you were also growing as a person, going to school (I guess :D) and learning how to love. Now you know! The sooner you get rid of that face that says “I´ve been hurt”, and the sooner you forget about how life sucks, you will be there running away from all the guys that wanna date you You see it all the time! Who is more succesful? The guy/girl that has 5 masters and PHDs and lives a quiet existence..or the one that “shows” how happy he/she is and how cool it is to be around him/her? When it comes to social skills, the second one is more succesful. Maybe that´s not what you want ( I dont want that) but if you wanna go out dating, thats the way to go! Show everybody how amazing you are! If, on the other hand you just wanna have fun, and if somebody pops up on your life (the way I like to work) you try it…then just chill out and try be a happy single, and everything will come..and it wont take 25 years! for sure!! Just work on picking up the pieces, regrouping with yourself, and sooner than you think you will be happy again chosing the guy YOU want, and that will work good with you. Thats a FACT.

    I´m in the same boat. I have been spoiled too. I have been in a very good relationship (until the end) and now I´m alone again…I wanna have that company again! I see couple all the time and I envy them (not all, just a few..some couples are always fighting.that sucks!), and I want to have the same!

    You may be right about the fact that single guys are “cooler”…but its also easier for a girl to get dates, my friend If I was a single girl…I would just go out a night and get a few proposals that same night. When I go out…I have to be the one working on that (paasss on that!), or maybe if Im lucky,some girl or girls will talk to me. But maybe not! So it kinda sucks that men have to be the “hunters” and girls have to be there waiting. I try to avoid that and do the opposite…I dont like rules, and those rules suck! Yeah, its the way it works, but I have never “talked” to girls with a purpose of dating them, and I haven´t had problems in getting them, so I guess its not too bad. I wish I was more succesful, of course, and maybe “talking” to girls would help a lot, but thats just not the way I like it. So, Sofia…dry your tears…go out to a bar, and sit (even if you are alone!) for a while. You will probably have a couple of creeps talking to you soon (depends on the bar) but I´m sure after some time you will be doing pretty good with better guys for you Or do the coffee shop thing! Hell! I go sometimes to one right by my house, and I see all these girls sitting alone reading a book, and all the guys “hunt” them right there! I wish I could do that! haha!

    And yes…being single means that you dont need nobody else to live your life with That means you are stronger, and COOLER So let´s all start (I´m the first one) thinking this way

    Recover your confidence…be happy on your own, and it will all come soon.

    Jul 3rd, 2009

61. NO NAME

    I guess you are right Sofia, once I am completely over then I won’t be thinking hence dreaming about her anymore. I ended up deleting every email there was. I don’t want to have any trace of her in my life. She just ruined me to so that I don’t see myself ever forgiving her. I actually promised myself two things in life, never to smoke and never to have her part of my life. Yes I get these days where I go into the denial stage wanting her back but I keep making sure to remind myself what really happened and why I left her.

    For some reason I always thought it is much easier for girls to move on but I guess I am wrong. I thought girls just have to put something sexy and go out, guys will just jump on them and there you go, another boy friend in the making. Guys have to hunt, I am in no position to hunt right now even though I’ve doing so in the past month. I just don’t feel it, I don’t know how to put it in words but even though I meet girls who are interested and want to move forward, I just don’t…I am afraid yet I want it. Like I am afraid it will end the same or I’ll end up losing time. I tend to be very picky as well now. Sometimes I analyze things like crazy which ruins everything. I guess its the lack of trust that creates all this.

    But like William said I need lots more time then just 3 months for this to fully be out of my system. I need to get on thinking in a mono way, me and no one else. Doesn’t mean we can’t meet other people, just be less attached which I tend to do most of the time lol.

    Jul 3rd, 2009

62. Gonzo

    So the holiday was a little rough for me. I knew my old group of friends was meeting up on the 4th to hang out and watch some fireworks. Obviously I couldn’t go, because my ex and her new BF were an integral part of it. I’m still coming to grips with the fact that that part of my life has essentially been deleted, and the only thing that’s changed for them is that I’ve been replaced by someone else. It’s true that those who were truly my friends are still friendly with me. But that makes it even worse when I can’t participate in functions like this.

    No Name, your comment about your ex being able to immediately move on hit home. My ex had the same parental issues. I suspect that although she has consciously moved on to a new guy, there’s still a sliver of me that she’ll add to her collection of baggage she carries around with her.

    As for me, I spent most of the extended weekend with the new girl I’ve been seeing. My feelings for her don’t seem to be as intense as they were. I suspect I just really wanted to be happy about a new relationship, rather than having strong feelings for her specifically. We talked a bit, and she asked me about my ex. I told her it’s been about 3 months since we broke up. She immediately commented that it hasn’t been much time. It really pisses me off that my issues are having an effect on this - I really want to move on. We agreed to relax a bit and just see where it goes.

    And again I feel like a f-ing loser. I guess I’m not yet done with the ups and downs.

    Jul 5th, 2009

63. Sofia

    Well…I haven’t cried all week over my ex. I am still hurting myself by looking at FB profiles, etc. I just looked and his status said he was out of town with *insert the new girls name.* I am very close to crying, but I don’t think I have any tears left. This is the 2nd trip time they’ve been on in a week and a half. I keep going in circles, you guys, and I can’t stop. I think I am over “him” but I have not moved past how I was so easily replaceable. It’s insulting that he always used to tell me he was busy with work (he’s in the entertainment industry) and couldn’t make plans or spend an entire day because he had to edit a video or had a shoot….But suddenly, with this girl, he can find time to spend weekends with her. OKay, I just started crying….I guess I still had tears left. He probably just didn’t have a strong enough desire to do anything with me….Why not? What was soooo wrong with me? I hate that I have still not moved past questioning myself and questioning what was so atrocious about me.

    We’re all in the same boat where it appears our ex moved on so quickly….as if we didn’t exist, or as if our feelings didn’t matter. WHY WHY WHY???? Why don’t we matter? Why do we care so much? Why does it hurt so much? Why won’t these feelings go away?

    Yesterday I was in a good mood. I THOUGHT I was in the last phase of breaking up - being grateful for the time that we had together. When my ex met me, I was a mess. I was dancing on tables, I was staying out til 8am and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Now, 3 years later, I don’t even stay out past midnight, I’d rather have good conversation, and I grew up. Yesterday I was thinking that I should be thankful that I ever met him, because if it weren’t for him, I might not have matured.

    I’m heartbroken that we all continue to be in the same boat…Sometimes I don’t want to feel like this anymore and put myself out of my misery. Sometimes I just want to give up on life and being made to feel like a disappointment.

    Jul 5th, 2009

64. Sofia

    You men are really confusing. I caved in and texted my ex asking for closure. I told him I needed it so I may move forward…. He said that we were getting “too serious” and “overall we were headed down a mire serious path and I (he) was not good at being there.” When I confronted him as to why he’s fallen into the arms of someone else, he said “In my situation after you, there is nothing more wanted from me. She does not expect more. But this doesn’t mean I don’t like you anymore.” I sent him 7 or 8 texts after that, but he hasn’t replied. I guess that’s it….

    It seems like everyone here wanted more out of their relationship, but I happened to find the one guy with commitment-phobia. I hope that after him telling me we were “too serious” (whether it was an excuse or not), will help me work on myself and my own life. We need to stop wasting tears on these people that aren’t even thinking about us.

    Here is something I found online today: “Top 10 Ways to Recover from a Break-Up: Seek professional therapy. There is no shame in seeking outside help. If you can’t afford therapy, seek out a support from a relationship recovery message board.” This is exactly what we are all trying to do…at least we are all trying to take steps forward towards the healing process. GONZO, I can’t speak from experience, but it will take a while to be able to open up to someone else. This new girl…Yeah, she might not be “the one” but she’s one step closer in the right direction. Heck, look on the brightside: You’re getting out there and meeting people.

    Jul 5th, 2009

65. NO NAME

    How often do you still speak to your ex Sofia? I mean I haven’t spoken to my ex ever since I told her over the phone (since she moved out of the city) that it won’t work out between me and her. After having a convo with her and getting no result out of it I told her that I don’t want to talk to her ever again. Since then (aroung 3 months ago) I haven’t heard from her or tried contacting her. She deleted all the mutual friends we had on FB and I did the same. I also deleted and threw out everything that reminded me of her. Like photos, sentimental values, emails. Of course I can’t delete everything and I will probably have her memories embeded in me for ever but I want to be cured already from my awful past so that I can start a fresh new beginning.

    What frustrates me the most is not that I lost her but how she just erased me and what she did to me after being with me for such a long time. That is what bothers me. This last few days were horrible, I haven’t had much sleep, I’ve gotten a little depressed again. My buddies took me out this past weekend, I tried to be cool but things in my mind kept me neutral and puzzled most of the time.

    I wouldn’t have contacted my ex like you did Sofia. You have to be strong and show that you are moving on even though you didn’t. Because if you keep contacting him then it will just make his ego stronger. He’ll be playing with your head, just like he did in his replies to you and the way he is ignoring you whenever he pleases. Its not “men are really confusing” its your ex playing the game you set on the table for him

    I wish sometimes I’ve had never met my ex. But then again, because of this I matured and I’ve learned plenty. Me and her had lots of good times so I shouldn’t have any regrets, its just I never thought I would be here in this position weak like this while she is having a blast as if nothing happened.

    I met several nice girls myself and just like you Gonzo they saw right threw me saying “you aren’t ready yet” even though I lied and said I broke up 8 months ago (but I really broke up a little less then 3 months ago). And I also tend these days to stop myself, like I don’t try hard and I just go with the flow. I guess I am not ready like most people tell me, its just that I want to get over it asap and start all over. I’ve lost way too much time on my ex with no result and it kills me inside.

    I just want to erase her to the point where I say”who? what ex? never met her before…” Then I guess I’ll be good to go and ready for a fresh new start

    Jul 6th, 2009

66. William

    I dont think forgetting a person is possible:

    http://www.ehow.com/how_2262617_forget-an-ex.html

    She will always be there, the same eway you will ALWAYS be in her brain..for good of for bad. In stead of forgetting…we all have to accept what happened…once we really accept it, we won´t have problems seeing them again. I brokeup with the “love of my life” (the first one, hehe) and now, after 4 years..I am prepared to see her again…see her with her new boyfriend…whatever! I dont care anymore! I´m OVER it! So if I could do it once, I can do it now again..and so will you guys! It takes time (4 times in my case…) but we are all different! Maybe this second time for me is just some months…who knows! All I know is that I have to work day by day on fundig a new life without her. Not what I want, but she took the decision for me, so I can´t do anything about that! ALl I can do is hope she is doing good…and that someday soon she regrets what she did, which Im pretty sure she will ANyhow…I dont really care anymore if that happens! Cause whenever that happens, I´ll be over her

    Actually..it´s her birthday in 3 weeks…I ALWAYS say happy birthday (a text message) to ALL my exes. But in this case…I may not do it. I dont think it will cause any harm, but I like to be a decent person, and saying happy birthday to an ex is not a bog deal I think. What would you guys do?

    PS. I hate mondays! In my “road to recovery”, the worse day is always a monday! Dunno why! Maybe cause I always hated them, and now with the breakup…the morning that I always get to remember her, is a monday! Damn! After all these months I´m now nderstanding more the way my head works…it´s all in your brain, the fact that it hurts but we keep on thinking about them…we dont really need it. Thats what we have got to change!

    United we stand! :p

    Jul 6th, 2009

67. Gonzo

    Sofia - Your ex really sounds like he just wasn’t ready to settle down. Speaking from experience, he would absolutely not have settled down with ANYONE as long as he had that mentality. As a few posts above suggest, a man eventually matures and develops a more welcoming attitude towards serious relationships. It takes some of us quite a while.

    Your ex says the new person he’s seeing isn’t looking for something serious - IMO he’s either kidding himself or that situation isn’t going to last long. I have literally never met a woman who stays happy with a “casual” relationship for any substantial length of time.

    Since you mentioned professional therapy, I actually went to a therapist about 4-5 times when I broke up with my longest-term GF 6 years ago. One useful fact I took away from that is that our minds handle breakups similarly to how we handle the death of someone close to us. We literally mourn the loss. The problem is the closure is not as concrete, because our ex is still out there. So the goal is to get to the point where you accept the loss and consider the relationship a memory rather than part of your present life. Unfortunately, there’s no trick to speeding up this process.

    Jul 6th, 2009

68. William

    well, now it´s my turn!

    I´m down again! I just joined the club! I just found out that my ex is already dating another guy!! Yay! I had suspicion of this…but never heard back from friends so I figured it was just a silly thing, normal date or whatever…now I just saw a family reunion, and there she is, with her new guy! I was the first guy she took to her family! Now, just 3 or 4 months of being with this guy (i dont know how long..just assuming) she´s bringing him there! That was quick! Now we are all in the same page! All of our exes have moved super quickly, and are happily living a new romance! ANd here I am…totally screwed! Felling horrible in my room! And funny thing…today those pics got posted..and some hours later, she answered me that email I sent her last week (saying that I didnt feel like seeing her). Nice coincidence… She basically gave me an address to send her the checks I have to give her, and say that she doesn´t want to talk about our relationship anymore…that we already talked a lot about it (lie!). I guess those emails she was talking about were the ones that kinda gave me some closure, without addressing the real problems…whatever! I of course just answered the email in not a very friendly way…(I had to do it!) telling her how could I be so stupid to think that she would be mourning our relationship and in stead she was already dating a guy…we never talked about the guy although I always knew there was one…but I guess I didnt want to believe it. So yeah..I just opened pandora´s box…I kept it until here all in a very peaceful way…now I guess there´s no turning back. That person that was once the love of my life, is now a person that doesn´t exist. Like Sofia said…this just makes me never want to be with anybody again! But I know I will pass this phase. Still sucks, though.

    Well, I guess this was the peak then. It can´t go worse than this…I´ll just have to get better soon. I was actually doing very good lately. Now I´m destroyed..of course, but well…I´ll go back to working on myself and trying to forget her and see her as the past.

    Hope you guys are doing fine.

    Jul 6th, 2009

69. NO NAME

    That is why I don’t bother checking with her friends or anything that has to do with her. I see it this way: If she is alone then she probably sleeps around with guys, If she is already dating someone then she is probably sleeping with that guy. In my case there is a strong chance that my ex cheated on me while being with me so either way she slept with some guy lol. So I don’t really care at this point what the f*ck she does, all I know is in the long run whatever guy she is with if he is sane he will quickly realises she is a psycho. If he ain’t sane then he is in it for the sex. Her friends told me when I broke up with her that she will probably never find a good guy like me that could endure her for so long. Oh well, like I said its her loss and my gain.

    I haven’t slept in days now, and its not due to my ex but because I am lost a little about what I want and how to go about it. I know my relationship is over and that I will never want to talk or see my ex ever again. Its something I promissed myself because of what she did to me, for my self esteem and pride. She in a way made fun of me and I should show her that she ain’t worth existing in my current life.

    People tell me it will take around a year to get back on track since my relationship lasted pretty long. I just hope to find someone already, that special one who will not only allow me to forget my ex for good (in the sense of moving forward of course since we can’t really forget people) but will show me what a real working relationship is all about.

    Sometimes I question myself if she will one day mature and realise what she had. If she will try to contact me and how will I react. I just hope it either never happens or that it won’t bother me if she does. I can’t understand how people can just go on erasing such a huge chuck of time, look I can’t and I am the one who broke it off

    Jul 7th, 2009

70. Gonzo

    It’s interesting that at least 3 of us were dealing OK with our breakups until we found out our exes were dating someone else. Are we jealous that they were able to move on so quickly? Are we angry that they apparently didn’t have enough respect for the relationship to wait a bit? Maybe a little of both… and who knows why else.

    Jul 7th, 2009

71. William

    both, for sure! ANd the fact that I thought she would be mourning in stead of flirting…that´s a nice stab right to the heart…I guess that´s my fault…

    Anyway…as for now..COMPLETELY closed. Erased phone numbers, sent her her checks, no more contact EVER again. Now she lost me forever, her loss

    Now…recover, and redo my life..like we all should do. At least some of us are dating already (not me, I can´t)…hopefully it´ll get better soon. First dates suck, but they´ll get better. I´ll just stay in pause, and just have fun without caring about the opposite sex for a while…I wish my ex would have done the same. She wasn´t that busy as she said after all…or just busy with other guys…hehe…

    Jul 7th, 2009

72. NO NAME

    What you don’t know doesn’t hurt. You did this to yourself William, you shouldn’t have checked what she was doing. I keep my nose away from her because I know I would most probably get hurt if I check.

    I got depressed these past week and still not doing so good this week. However I am way better then when I just started writing on this blog

    I booked a trip (leaving in a couple of weeks) out of the country should get my mind out of things. I am hoping this trip will be a major turn around to a new fresh start.

    I have met girls here and there, but it never goes anywhere…like I told you a while back on here, we should maybe stay single and take advantage of the freedom. Thinking about what our ex is doing or trying to get info from various places is just adding more wood into the fire. You should back off and think about what you should be doing and let the fire extinguish. I have sources that will easily show me what she is doing in great details but I restrain myself because its just not worth the pain and suffering. It will obviously not make me happier so why do it…

    The relationship was not meant to be. Have no regrets has it was an experience where you learned plenty and gain lots. Do not blame yourself, do not blame her, you were just not compatible enough to sustain a stable connection. You are now in an intersection, standing on a road that ended and is now splitting into two different paths. One is the road to a new beginning where the landscape is yet to be discovered, the other is a continuation of what you’ve just went through, ruff and very hard to go through. So chose wisely and move on to the right path

    Jul 8th, 2009

73. NC

    Hey–

    Well it is week 3 of my break-up. I found out my bf was doing stuff behind my back that was not right. I ended the relationship. It just makes me mad that I gave all I had to this relationship and he does wrong and I am left to “pick up the pieces”

    I have never loved someone the way I loved him and I have never hurt like this before. I wish I was so mad at him that I could forget him but I can not. I have dreams about him. I saw a picture of him on Facebook at a gathering the other day and I just broke down crying. I miss him and even though we went out 7 months it is just so hard.

    This blog is helpful. I just want to get better. I do stuff most nights with friends, etc but it is just hard. I feel lost.

    I dreed seeing him that first time…….Oh well……We will all get through this!! But damn this is no fun at all.

    Jul 9th, 2009

74. William

    It is no fun at all..in deed, but we have to go through it to get better.

    At the end of the day it doesn´t matter who dumps who. The one that puts more emotional effort in the relationship will probably be the one that´s left to pick up the pieces…it´s very sad.

    If he was cheating on you…I think there is no doubt that you are totally better off without him. There are a LOT of decent guys that would never do that, so just forget about him, heal, and somebody special will appear again in some time. In the meantime, just enjoy your new single life, go out, do the things you couldn´t do when you were with him, and vent all you need in the process. It´s the only way to get through with it.

    I strongly recommend you this website:

    http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/

    It REALLY helped me with my healing.

    I just received a mail from my ex…confirming me she is dating someone else…and…I´m not even sad! I don´t even care! So..I gues there must be some progress here.

    Take it easy and heal Hope you guys are doing fine! (I guess when people don´t write here it´s because they are doing fine, so great! :D).

    Jul 10th, 2009

75. NO NAME

    Hi NC,

    I know how it feels, I went through the exact same thing you are going through but my relationship was 6 yrs long. I found out my ex was doing stuff behind my back and I recently had an eye opener. She might have been doing stuff behind my back for a lot longer then I thought. Anyhow it is now 3 months since I spoke to her.

    I have my ups and downs, I am most certain you’ll have them as well. I met several girls, but because I tend to slip my ex into the convo and since I don’t tend to do any moves, the date ends up not going anywhere. I ain’t ready thats all…time will show me the way.

    You have to stop thinking about it and concentrate on yourself. Go out, meet new people, find new hobbies, just forget the relationship it will never workout. A friend of mine told me “a broken vase will always be a broken vase no matter how many times you fix it”.

    I broke up 4 times with my ex and this one is certainly the final one. I will never forgive her its a promise I made myself. I got no enemies in this world and most find me to be a nice guy, so she is my very first enemy

    I was afraid of loneliness of not being good enough, my self esteem got to the lowest point possible. I did not believe in time at first, but with time passing I felt better and better. Don’t get me wrong I do have days of depression like the past week and still today a little. I find it happens when I don’t go out and stay home. I start feeling alone and unwanted.

    NC like I told many and many told me, you will most probably not listen to no one right now, it is the in-denial stage. The only person who can help you is YOU! We here can only guide you based on our own experience.

    Believe in yourself, it ain’t the end of the world but just the beginning to many great opportunities. He loss your gain, stay strong and let time show you the way.

    Jul 11th, 2009

76. NO NAME

    A nice remix of a song which shows how I feel

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbbSsnFOAa8

    Jul 12th, 2009

77. NC

    Thanks everyone. Great tips.

    Sometimes a set-back is a set-up for something better!!

    Jul 14th, 2009

78. Sofia

    Gonzo said: “It’s interesting that at least 3 of us were dealing OK with our breakups until we found out our exes were dating someone else. Are we jealous that they were able to move on so quickly?”

    Hi, all. I had been doing well for the past 2 weeks. However, today I found out that its 100% true that my ex has moved on and has a girlfriend. It was confirmed via text by him today. I feel deceived….Just 3 weeks ago my ex told me that his new girl “didn’t expect much from him” and that’s why he likes it. What a f^kin liar! They are now officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

    I’m constantly complaining about the same things. When is this going to end? It doesn’t feel like it will. Everyday, I let my ex control my thoughts and control my life. Going out with my friends isn’t helping — I come home and I’m alone. Hanging out with my family isn’t helping — My cousins are getting engaged, left and right. When is my life going to go back to normal? I know I have a lot to live for, and I have a lot of living left to do….but sometimes I kind of just want to….Give up.

    I think we can all agree…..I WANT MY LIFE BACK TO NORMAL. I’m taking a vacation to Las Vegas this weekend. I really hope that the 110 degree weather and relaxed atmosphere will help me feel better.

    Gonzo…LOVE the “Apologize” remix. This is how I feel, too: “You said these words and you did these things
    And you wrapped me around like a string
    And you pulled me along and you led me on
    Until all I got left is the words to a song”

    Jul 15th, 2009

79. Sofia

    Oops…I wish I could edit my post..It wasn’t Gonzo that posted the YouTube link, it was No Name…Thanks for posting it. I’ve been listening to it on repeat

    Jul 15th, 2009

80. William

    I went this weekend to Vegas…I feel a lot better now It was hot as hell..BUT the casinos have very cool AC, so just go to pool partys and out in the night time. Wear your best smile and you´ll get all the guys you want..if thats what you want. If not…just enjoy a cool show (Zumanity was awesome), get on a ride at the NY, or stay all day getting a tan in the pool. It´s tooootally worth the trip and the heat!

    I was cleaning up my harddrive to install a very big software, and..I found this video of my ex when she was adorable. You know what? I didnt even care She is not like that anymore with me, so…I hope nis new BF enjoys the time before she starts going crazy and being a bitch..it will be soon, I know, haha!

    Days are getting better..I care less every day…since I found out she is with other guy..so I guess that´s the turning point I was waiting. She can go fu** herself now

    Jul 15th, 2009

81. NC

    I have yet to actually see my bf since the break-up. Any tips on handling that first meeting where u see each other at a bar or maybe even bump into each other at Wal-Mart. I am not looking forward to that first meeting. He is very emtionless on the outside so I am sure he will give me a big smile and say how great life is…..I just need to be prepared for that.

    Jul 16th, 2009

82. Sofia

    NC, I saw my ex and his new girl at a nightclub a month ago - my heart dropped and I left. He didn’t see me. If you see him, I would recommend not approaching him because it would set you backward. My ex is also very emotionless on the outside and would have acted very cool and relaxed in person - It would have hurt me more to see how composed he can act, but how I am in shambles and falling apart. But please don’t be like me and shun social situations in fear of seeing him; I’ve been invited to pool parties, bars, clubs but I get “feelings” that my ex would be there and I decline the invites. I am usually right, because I would later find out he was there with his new girl. It’s a vicious cycle because how am I supposed to get out there and explore, meet new people and feel good, when I live in this city in fear of seeing him when I turn the corner or grab a drink? I hope you don’t let your ex control your life, like I have.

    Anyway I talked to my ex on the phone yesterday and he said he promised to call me this morning. Did he? Nope. I fell for it again. I feel like this song, which I’m sure someone out there can relate to….

    “I should have never listened to a word you said
    But I was always giving in to promises
    I never should have gone for
    I should never long for you no matter how hard it gets
    And I want this to be over
    I so want this to be through
    In the end somehow it always comes back to you
    ….
    But there was something ’bout you that I couldn’t resist
    Can’t put my finger on it but whatever it is
    I never should have stood for it
    I know you’re no good for me
    And that’s the way it is
    ….
    I tell myself
    Get over you
    It’s over right
    Right thing to do
    And just when I thought I was done
    You pull me in for another run
    I can’t take this
    I won’t take this
    I can’t do this
    I Won’t do it
    Even if I know in the end somehow it always comes back to you”

    Jul 16th, 2009

83. NC

    SOFIA thanks for sharing. Yeah we can not let our ex’s control our lives….they have done enough damage.

    Jul 17th, 2009

84. YesNoMaybeSo

    Well I have read through most of the posts that you guys have posted through and while I have recovered a little quicker than some of them I will still tell you it is an everyday process. I’ll share some of my quick tips:

    Any time you have a memory of your Significant other, Pack it away. In your mind pretend that your put it in a box, tape the top and set it in a room. You can open the box agian, after all it is just tape? But this allows you to open it when you are ready.

    Any time you can go out, do it. No matter what, No matter where. You never know when Mr. Right or Mrs Right will walk into your life.

    No contact, sorry. I know we all want to be “friends” with the ex, but honestly in this state of mind, ask yourself is that possible? I’ve had no contact with an ex for over and month and a half, and being her friend is still not on my to do list.

    I just wanted to let everyone know that you are worth everything in this world. Nothing has changed since you broke up with your ex, you are the same person.

    Hope this helps, Ill check back.

    Jul 21st, 2009

85. William

    I do the box thing you said “YesNoMaybeSo”, but…sometimes the lid opens alone, and lets a lot of memories get out I´m really getting a lot better..it just goes to some days where I think…why the hell did that happen (breakup)? And then I go again through the process and end up remembering there was a reason…so best thing is just forget about it, since there is nothing we can do now. Enjoy single life! That´s what I´m doing!!

    Jul 21st, 2009

86. Sofia

    I hope everyone is doing well. There haven’t been very many posts or people venting, so this must mean everyone is moving forward.

    I just came back from a few days in Las Vegas - I didn’t think of my ex and his new girl at ALL. Usually, he would be in my dreams and/or the first thing I thought of in the morning; Nope, not anymore. I didn’t do anything ‘crazy’ in Las Vegas, it was simply a much-needed, relaxing break from my reality. While I don’t think I am ready to meet anyone else romantically, for the first time I realize that falling in love (or even lust!) will happen again. I was afraid that once I return home, that I might retreat to my old habits or feel an urge to check his or her’s facebook; Nope, not anymore. I don’t want to look at it, don’t want to find out what he’s doing, and don’t want to send him angry/bitter texts. I hope these feelings will continue!

    I recommend all that are broken-hearted to take a vacation - even if it’s just a few hours away by car. Get away from your bedroom, the computer, the phone and the old memories of your ex’s and give yourself a break!

    Jul 22nd, 2009

87. William

    Yessss! I´m seeing progress here Sofia! Congrats!!! Keep up the good work! In deed Vegas is awesome, and taking a trip always helps…

    I still check this site every other day..I´m glad we are all doing better Still somedays are weird, but at least they are not bad My ex wrote me today and I didnt even bother…answer, or change my plans for today.

    NEw life, in deed for all

    Jul 23rd, 2009

88. NC

    Sofia I am glad Vegas was great “medicine” for you. It’s funny you say you did dream of your ex and he was the first thought you had. I am there but the days of him being my first thought are finally not occurring every day. So maybe i am making some progress as well.

    I am going to Florida for Labor Day but I may need a get-away before that :^)

    Jul 23rd, 2009

89. Exhausted

    A woman I dated for three months just broke up with me via text messaging. It is worse than a divorce. Text messages are great when you are in love and everything is cool but they land like artillery in a breakup. I made all the mistakes. Texted her (without answer) for days. Apologized for doing nothing wrong. (She ends her relationships that way.) Makes me feel pathetic. It was my first attempt at a relationship after my divorce in 2005. I stepped back and studied it. She was emotionally abusive and I was codependent on her with me being on the weak side. She checked off on all the traits of an emotional abuser with constant threats to end the relationship, inablity to accept compliments, blowing my defects out of proportion to her own gaping flaws. I was expected to know her mood. I was always walking on eggshells. I would react normally to something she did and she would admonish me for my feelings. She would see her exboyfriends and text me she was doing it (just as friends of course, RIGHT). Like a codependent I would accept her excuses as to why she needed to see them. She had a whole social network to support her and I was and am alone. She made me part of her life and I got to know her friends and family and suddenly I am alone and isolated. I really feel like I am damaged emotionally. The worst is on weekends. Yesterday I actually woke up crying! It frightened me. I think she was only using me to get back at her ex-boyfriend who had cheated on her. I was so happy being with her though. She will answer texts like once a day to keep me going I think. It helps me to write this. I am going to TRY not to text her anymore. I hope that is the answer. This is just so emotionally draining. I am mentally and physically exhausted.

    Jul 25th, 2009

90. NC

    Oh Exhausted. I am truly sorry.

    You must have No Contact. This is a huge scab…and everytime you contact her you pick the scab.

    There were many times I would wake up crying. Even today (1.5 month later) I am a little sad.

    The weekends are hard as you adapt to a new routine.

    That speaks volumes the way she broke up with you…..remember a set back is a set up for something better.

    Jul 27th, 2009

91. kris

    Hey guys, just found this site, i have been going through my break-up since the first week of june and dont seem to making much headway. i feel like i have to start my days out of the dump and make a conscious effort just to last through the day. nothing makes me happy, i feel so lost and alone.

    Jul 28th, 2009

92. kris

    not sure what to make of it, but i found out he lied and cheated on me, i walked away, change my number and my email address. he never tried to even contact me or even to say sorry. he would call my friend and just blamed me for walking away. he got through me one day at work just to ask general questions and that was like after 2 months. he never said sorry or anything . he did not even see if i would take him back. he never even fought for us after a 15 year friendship and a 6 year relationship , he just gave up. however i am not sure if i would have taken him back after what he did. but i felt rejected because he did not even try to fight for me after he hurt me like this. he left me to pretty much die on my own. it has been very hard. we have no contact. i moved from where i lived. but now almost 2 1/2 months i still dream about him, look out for his car, still hoping that he would even try and make amends. i loved him very much i gave everything in the relationship. now i feel so lost, rejected and alone. i feel so unhappy. i try to do a lot of stuff in my spare time and get involve in many social stuff to keep occupied but when i go home i am so lost. any advice guys.,

    Jul 28th, 2009

93. Sofia

    Kris, I am sorry you are feeling like this. BELIEVE ME I can relate. I constantly question myself, my existence and self-worth because of my ex & the way he treated me post-break up. I have not cried in 2 weeks over my ex (I sort of relapsed today and took a peek at Facebook and noticed his status. But the funny thing is, I didn’t feel anything….I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t hurt, I didn’t cry!!). I am a good testament that PROGRESS is possible and you will not always feel depressed. I recommend you read through the previous posts - ALL of us felt the same way you did, so you are not alone.

    To both Kris & “EXHAUSTED” - the weekends are so difficult. Monday to Friday I feel fine and motivated….But when the weekend rolls around, I used to wonder what my ex & his new girlfriend were doing. I let me ex (& the new girlfriend who doesn’t even know I exist) control my life.

    Like you, Kris, I contemplated changing my phone number (I still do). 2 and a half months is not a long time - your wounds are still fresh. I would think and cry about my ex after a night out with my friends. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or the realization that I was alone in my bed. When you’re feeling like that, you should post here like I did and just vent your feelings It helped me.

    Jul 28th, 2009

94. William

    Okay…the day has come for me. It´s my ex´s b-day. I´ve been really good lately until now..why am I suddenly feeling weird about her bday??? Im sure her new BF is gonna make her day awesome…and I shoudlnt care…but the truth is that I still care…I still wanna call her and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ha! I´m probably just gonna text her in a polite way, just cause thats my “policy” with ex´s bdays, but..I feel weird tonite…I dunno what it is!

    Anyway…more new people here…stick to NC and redo your life without them…we are ALL on the same boat. Different stories, same ending…and same future

    Jul 29th, 2009

95. BM

    okay im in pieces, my girlfrined dumped me 2 weeks ago although we have been in contact regularly since and 2 days ago i went to see her with a bottle of wine which she chose not to drink!! we chatted and laughed and then i brought up the subject of sex with others which she told me that needs must and shes single and were both red blooded humans!! i was devasted to hear it but laughed it off………she has been emailing me saying she misses me and still loves me but want space to see where a new path will lead her and it were meant to be then fate will intervene!! blah blah…….later that night i told her if she sleeps with anyone else whilst having thoughts that she may want us then theres no chance of me going back which she then replied - how do you know i havent already slept with someone adn that shes single and can do what she wants!! i was so upset and the left…….

    shes sending out mixed messages by saying to me she still loves me and does miss me

    yesterday i was up all night and come the morning i was having panic attacks and couldnt work i went to doctors and explained all this and that i had been looking on the internet for the easiest ways to commit suicide i feel so low and that theres no way forward, the thought of her with someone else has made me sick, ive also seen a counsellor yesterday and will also tomorrow as well as the doctor who wants to see me again - i just keep crying..

    my ex knows how much of a special bond we have and even says that she wants a strong friendship but feels it will lead to more and confuse us both!!

    im struggling to carry on

    Jul 30th, 2009

96. NC

    BM…it will get better.

    Yes, this is crushing. But you are strong you WILL make it.

    Read the previous posts on this great site. We are all going through this at some stage.

    Yes, the thought of your ex with someone else is hard. I try not to think about it.

    Stay strong……you will make it….you will make it. I promise!

    Jul 30th, 2009

97. Sofia

    BM, Kudos to you for seeking help (counselor, doctor, internet). My ex told me the same things…..That we are “great together” but he needed to see if we were “meant for each other” by exploring other options. This is complete BS & completely unfair to us because we wait around, holding out hope that our exes will return to us. My ex keeps texting me and sending me mixed signals…even though he now has a girlfriend. I have finally learned that cutting of ALL COMMUNICATION with your ex is a MUST. you must MUST must stop responding to them. This can, in fact, work to your advantage because it will drive her crazy that you aren’t responding or acting like a lost puppy dog.

    I know it’s hard to realize now, but breaking up could be the best thing that ever happened to you. I was so dependent on my ex for my happiness and future, but now that I’m single, I’m trying to recognize my priorities & life; I made a list of all that I want to accomplish, places I want to travel to, and I’ve started volunteering.

    William, did you ever text your ex happy birthday?

    Jul 30th, 2009

98. William

    Sofia is making a great progress here..kudos to you

    I did text her…against what everybody told me. I just wanted to be the guy I am, decent and considerate, so I did it. Just a simple Happy Birthday, have a great day. She answered Thanks, hope you are doing great. Basically what I expected, so yeah…its over now (her Bday) and I feel better. Those “important” dates in the calendar are tough to go through…many feelings came back just because it was her bday..I still dont understand it, but thats what happened. I guess it´ll happen always, next thanks giving, next christmas…dates I spent with her and this year Ill be alone…for sure will be difficult. But well…I´ll have to survive

    THe rule is NO happy birthdays to our exes, but I broke that rule…and Im okay with it

    Be strong guys an girls..it´ll be over soon!!!!

    Jul 30th, 2009

99. BM

    thanks for your support guys

    unfortunately i got taken to see 3 psychiatrists yesterday and they wanted to give me home visits daily but now i havent left my bed and all i can think of is taking my life - i feel this is my fault due to my longterm health anxieties

    today they want me to spend a couple of days in a safe house with specialists - im so scared, everytime i close my eyes and think of her and good times, and to find out shes seeing someone else and that she lives at the top of my road - i cant get through this!! shes happy and im like this

    my first thought is too find someone else but its not easy when they meant the world to you - i genuinely dont know if i can make it through this!! what do i do when i have to see her with him

    Aug 1st, 2009

100. Sofia

     BM, I know what you feel like…we all do. I know what it feels like to close my eyes and all I see are the happy times, the smiling, the laughs and the good feelings I felt. One day, perhaps after you’ve worked on your underlying issues, you will learn to close your eyes and see the way she hurt you, the way she wasn’t good for you, and the bad times. I see that now. Except lately, I’ve been feeling a little down. I heard through a mutual friend that my ex is in Sweden and brought his new girl to meet his grandparents there. He never asked to leave the country with me in 3 years..never wanted me to meet his parents or relatives. Yet after 3-4 months of dating this new girl, he’s already flying her around and being serious.
     This has dug up the feelings I thought I had moved on from. I haven’t cried over this, but I feel hurt. I can feel the hurt literally in my stomach and heart. I feel like someone dug a sword into the pit of my stomach. I feel like someone is screaming “you are worthless” or “you weren’t good enough” in my ears, because that’s how I feel. Isn’t it funny how our exes can make us feel so inferior? BM, it’s hard to close your eyes at first and not see the good in your past relationship and in your girlfriend…as time goes on, bitterness and anger starts the settle in and you’ll begin to see all the cracks in your relationship.

     Aug 7th, 2009

101. Christiana

     What sucks the most with LDR, some guys don’t want it to work. They say “you are worth waiting for because I Love You” . Then 3 days after you visit them, they break up with you online. By changing their status to single. You find out that way. People that do that are a waste of sperm and egg. So concerned about themselves and not the person they are with. They refuse to talk to you on the phone. And they say the break up had nothing to do with you?!?! Stay single!!!!!!!!!

     Aug 18th, 2009

102. Sofia

     Yesterday I went on my first date in 5 or so months since I was dumped. I woke up today in tears… I had a dream about my ex and I’ve been thinking about him for hours. I was supposed to be past that… I can’t stop crying I’m not capable of dating or meeting new people… Because going out with someone last night pulled up all the old feelings of my ex. I wanted my ex again, and I compared my date to my ex. I want to text my ex sosososoooo badly..I just want to see his number appear on my phone like old times…I want him back, and I will never be able to. Dating other people is too exhausting and hurtful for me, I don’t know why we even try!?

     Aug 22nd, 2009

103. NC

     SOFIA–

     I had a “bad” date last wk and it brought back memories of my ex as well. I was sad…not that our relationship was super but at least I knew what i had with thim. Plus I did not have to “date” anymore.

     The feelings you have are normal. The more people u meet the less comparison u will do but it is all normal.

     I have news for you—u are normal.

     Aug 27th, 2009

104. William

     Just wanted to chime in and give some hope. I disappeared…cause I almost healed! I’ve gone on Tour for a month and that has literally SAVED my brain from crazyness…I have met other girls, enjoyed life, and I didnt think about her at all. I’m back not at my apt, and some memories come by…BUT…they dont hurt that much anymore! I have totally understood that she’s not coming back, so why would I waste my time in her? Before I knew this but didn’t act like it..now I know its totall over, and Im looking forward to my next nice relationship..probably the first one will suck, or the second one..but hey, if she came by, Im sure other cool people may come by too after…keep some hope! Dont get flooded by negativity or sad feelings. If you guys go on a date..do it and just forget about your exes…not fair for the new person. They have done the same (moved on) so you have to do the same! DOnt even bother about them! ENjoy your dates and start thinking of your life without your exes…it’ll start feeling better once you do this!

     And Sofia…AVOID all info from him! If you keep on checking what he’s doing you are never gonna recover! The day you do this you will feel SO much better you can’t imagine! ANd you’ll laugh at these days! Promise!

     Sep 1st, 2009

105. NC

     Great post William.

     I am off this wkend to Florida to get away. This will be my first trip since the break-up. I have been doing really well until last night when i had a dream about him….but oh well. Florida here I come

     Sep 2nd, 2009

106. Sofia

     Good post, William! It really only takes a reminder (walking by the restaurant of your first date, coming across an old email, etc) to relapse, and I did that. My ex started texting me yesterday (He is on vacation for his girlfriends bday and texts ME?) that he was thinking about me, “sorry for how he hurt me,” that he hasn’t “fully moved on,” and “we’ll get through this together.” Seriously, you men need to stop jerking girls feelings around. I feel like a yo-yo. It’s totally unfair to dump me for someone else, then tell me you havent moved on from me.

     I told my job that I was sick today (I’m not) so I could stay in bed til 11am and mope around the house. I’m back at square one where I close my eyes and picture him laughing and smiling with his girlfriend, spoiling her and making her happy — not me. Breaking up is an up and down cycle…..one-two months I’m happy and I don’t think of him..But then one week I’m crying. I was reading online that obsessive thoughts about an ex is a sign of OCD.

     I think I need a vacation — when I came back from Vegas in July I was so happy….I think the “post-vacation high” is wearing off & I need another

     Sep 2nd, 2009

107. William

     Sofia…jesus!!! They call it NC for a reason! You are proving anybody who doubts about NC the power it has! The moment you have a minimal contact with him, all your progress goes to hell! I’ve almost moved on and I DONT want to see my ex! Cause I would go back to square 1!!!! No way! If you hadn’t received that text you would feel a lot better!! Your ex sucks btw..they all do, but yours sucks a lot! How can he do that??? Thats called “playing with you” and thats NOT cool! Tell him to f#$% off and stick to his decision and leave you alone, cause although you are craving for you guys to go back together (we all do until we heal and realise how stupid this is), its NOT a good idea! So if that doesnt work, get a new number, disappear from his life. Maybe in a few years it all looks differently, but NOW its not the time. Let him “enjoy” his new GF, and be sure that when things go bad, he will start regretting letting you go, but by then you will have your new man, and you will be VERY HAPPY..even if you dont have your man, the fact that you have moved on means that you are FINE and happy, so work on that!!! Let him go for good! Don let yourself go back to square 1 again, and just move forward!

     eyeshift AT gmail DUUUT com

     If you need to talk or whatever, drop me a line, I am 95% over it, and I feel very condifent my words can help you move on. You HAVE to move forward Sofia! Let me know if you need help or whtever!

     Sep 3rd, 2009

108. NC

     William—How long has it been since you and your ex-broke up? That is great you are 95% over yours.

     I have a very good feeling I am going to bump into my ex next wkend at a party. It will be the first time we will have seen each other since the break-up. I plan to say hey and keep on moving. But I will be nervous…

     Sep 9th, 2009

109. mikhail

     hi,
     i have been going through this blog and it has helped me to look at my own situation. I am 26 and in June i had a relationship for the first time in my life. it was the worst mistake of my life. i was actually smooth talked into bed by my boss on a business trip. who is married with a kid and 10 yrs senior to me. i was dumb enough to think that i will come out of this unaffected. after sleeping with him bout 4 times i ended it. but him nor i could stop being in touch with each other through chat or sms. i had a good job. i quit from there so i could get over him. got a much much better job. and yet i am in a constant state of sadness and depression. i was not even remotely in love with him. it was a fling. but i keep getting depressed over the fact that i had been a virgin and waited patiently for Mr. right. and then gone right ahead and ruined it all. because of this none of the success i achieved in my education or career is able to give me joy. i cant stop feeling guilty, used and extremely stupid. and after everything…. after telling him soo many times i will never see him again or talk to him… i reply to his texts all the time. some times i sms him myself. thankfully i have not seen him since i decided to stop this.
     the biggest problem for me is the guilt …… because of the conservative background i come from and my own beliefs about love and inexperience where relationships are concerned.
     advice would be most welcome….

     thanks.

     Sep 13th, 2009

110. Sofia

     Mikhail, I come from a conservative background, too. I was very sheltered by my parents. I come from a family filled with arrange marriages. Therefore I was very inexperienced with love. I was “experienced” in casual flings thanks in part to college, but had no experience with love and companionship. Your first true relationship is almost like losing your virginity all over again … you’re always going to have a part of that person a part of your life. It is really hard to let go off someone that was your first in so many aspects — and it goes beyond him being your first, physically. He slowly opened you up and exposed you to new emotions; emotions and feelings that you are not familiar with, or understand because of your background. I wish I could tell you to change your phone number, but my friends tell me to do that, and I don’t listen. Infact, I might never. Because once I completely shut him out of my life, then an individual who allowed me to feel things (love) that I didn’t know were possible, would be gone forever. It is possible, by the way, that he had feelings for you, even though he was married, so you shouldn’t feel stupid. I would have fallen from his ways, too.

     I don’t think there is a Mr. Right. If there is, we don’t end up with them. There are “Mr Right Nows” that might turn out to a perfect fit.

     Sep 14th, 2009

111. NC

     Oh I saw the ex for the first time since our break-up 3 months ago. Oh the emotions came flooding back. Ugh Ugh Ugh.

     I am back crying….oh man this is rough.

     Sep 22nd, 2009

112. Kayleigh

     Me and my ex went out for 3 month then we ended it by an argument as he was going on holiday, wen he got back we decided to be friends, were i go to hang out he goes the same place… it felt like normal as if we were still going out.. flirting and stuff like that. My mate tried to get us back together.. didnt work.. i was mad at him for saying ‘no’ after he flirted with me.. leading me on.. so after that we just stopped speaking. Couple of days later.. I decided to give him a text saying i want to be friends… 5 pages long. No reply. So after that i ignred him.. He has now got a new gf… Im not over him completely but im slowly getting over him…

     Oct 30th, 2009

113. Gonzo

     So I’m glad to hear a few of us are making progress. I can pretty much say I’m totally over my ex. It was slightly easier for me because my ex had a few personality traits that were definitely not working for me, so I just kept reminding myself of that. And I admitted to myself that what I was really feeling was anger and jealousy over her jumping into a new guy’s bed immediately after our breakup, rather than sadness at losing her as an individual. Once I came to that realization, the jealousy and anger more or less disappeared. I’m not one to dwell on those types of emotions unless it’s really warranted. Knowing her, she was probably following the old advice of “the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.”

     I’ve actually seen her around a couple of times in the last few months. I’ve tried to be friendly, but she doesn’t have much interest in talking. Her loss.

     And believe it or not, I’m still seeing the girl I met a few months ago.

     It does get better.

     Nov 11th, 2009

114. Sofia

     I still find myself thinking of my ex in passing. Sometimes I’ll be driving past my old apartment where we would spend our nights, or a pass a diner that we shared a late-night bite to eat. I catch myself smiling, thinking about how nice that feeling was…how nice love and warmth was, and how those memories will be with my forever. I removed my ex, plus his friends, plus anyone that has any sort of connection to him on my facebook. I blocked them all. In March it will be one year since I’ve seen him and since we broke up…I’m a happier place professionally because I have a job and stable income. Relationship wise, no, I have not moved on…I haven’t slept with anyone since my ex, and have really held back in that regards. I don’t think I’m ready. Emotionally, mentally, and even physically, I think breaking up has helped me. I’m a better, more rounded person, and more aware of my surroundings and feelings. Whenever my next relationship be, I know that it will be a healthy one, largely in part to the lessons learned in my past relationship.

     I’ve learned to “look on the bright side” and see the positive in the negative. I hope that everyone that remains in state of depression after a break up will try and do the same. Time heals all wounds, but so does realizing that you are a stronger person in the end.

     Nov 15th, 2009

115. Girl

     Basically, im a 20 year old girl and ive never been in a relationship that lasted over 6 months. every guy i have ever been with has disposed of me for reasons that they only touched on briefly and were very general - they just ended up going off me for reasons i wish i knew. my boyfriend of 6 months just broke up with me by texting me. he told me we werent clicking and he didnt feel great about us being together and wanted to be on his own. he gave no further explanation than ‘you are someone i was seeing for 6 months, get over it’. I feel so unworthy and disposable now than i ever have. I dont know why i keep being rejected as i am a selfless and passionate person in a relationship. I feel very depressed all the time now and my self esteem is barely there at all. im so upset that i was dillusional about our relationship and that i was really nothing to him. i dont know how to make myself better. i dont know why im so disposable to guys, they seem to just want to get me off their backs easiest way possible and have no guilty concience

     Dec 6th, 2009

116. Kris

     hey Guys,

     Just coming back on to the site. can you believe after i tried to heal after the break up walked away from him because he cheated and choose someone over me he came back and begged me to come back after 3 mths. I gave in only to find out he had gotten this other girl pregnant. I still stayed because he promised me he is going to make it right with us because i am who he wants. only for the baby to born and that day he closed me out like i did not exist. i walked away again. feeling so torn and hurt and decieved once more. dont know how to get through this again. I feel like i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. he is so cruel after all the love and forgiveness i gave him. so hard to move on again because he came back completely messed up my healing process that i have to start all over again.

     Dec 24th, 2009

117. Kris

     what a way to spend the christmas with so much hurt and pain.

     but merry xmas to all out there i hope all will go well for u and yours. be safe

     Dec 24th, 2009

118. Sofia

     sorry some of you are still hurting or are going thru new-found hurt. to anyone reading through all of the posts- yeah, the pain goes away. or perhaps it just gets easier to deal with. Keeping BUSY is so important. “Get a hobby” is a little cliche…but finding a fulltime job, no matter what it is, is key. or maybe starting a blog and writing; just do something constructive with your time. Going on vacations basically saved my life. I learned what else is out there and re-connected with friends that lived in other cities. I’ve already gone out west 3x (vegas and LA 2x) and am contemplating a move. When I was on vacation, I didn’t think about my ex at ALL because I was surrounded by happiness, great weather, and activities to distract me. Honestly, i’m coming up on one year since I saw my ex and, yes, I still think about in EVERYDAY. i know he doesn’t probably think of me because he has a very serious girlfriend….but perhaps he was just my one, first, true love.

     I hope everyone finds their passion and something to distract themselves xox

     Feb 18th, 2010

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