Are You in a Constant State of Depression after a Break-up?

Are you becoming drained and depressed because of the break-up with your ex? Maybe your daily life feels miserable and you’re in a rut that you don’t know how to get out of.

It’s very normal to feel sad and depressed after a break-up. That goes with the territory and the time period can be different for each individual. But, if these feelings have been with you for an extended period of time, they may be an indication you need to make changes in your life.

Valuable lessons can be learned from all experiences – even those from a break-up. Sometimes in the worst struggles we find our greatest strength. Break-ups hurt. The reality is, continuously drowning in depression and reliving the relationship and the break-up wastes so many precious moments of your life. Life is short and it’s better to move on to a new chapter for your well-being.

If you broke up there are reasons for the break-up. It may not be your fault and the relationship may have even been good. But, for whatever reason the relationship ended and why would you want to be back in a relationship with the potential to end again? Wouldn’t it be better to look into the future and see yourself in a relationship that has the potential to last forever?

Embrace the lessons you learned while in the relationship and through the break-up. Learn more about yourself, your needs and wants and what type of relationship you want in the future.

Begin to think of yourself as a survivor and not a victim of circumstance. Place value on life and live it to the fullest!

128 Responses to Are You in a Constant State of Depression after a Break-up?
  1. Christiana
    August 18, 2009 | 1:03 pm

    What sucks the most with LDR, some guys don’t want it to work. They say “you are worth waiting for because I Love You” . Then 3 days after you visit them, they break up with you online. By changing their status to single. You find out that way. People that do that are a waste of sperm and egg. So concerned about themselves and not the person they are with. They refuse to talk to you on the phone. And they say the break up had nothing to do with you?!?! Stay single!!!!!!!!!

  2. Sofia
    August 22, 2009 | 9:43 am

    Yesterday I went on my first date in 5 or so months since I was dumped. I woke up today in tears… I had a dream about my ex and I’ve been thinking about him for hours. I was supposed to be past that… I can’t stop crying :-( I’m not capable of dating or meeting new people… Because going out with someone last night pulled up all the old feelings of my ex. I wanted my ex again, and I compared my date to my ex. I want to text my ex sosososoooo badly..I just want to see his number appear on my phone like old times…I want him back, and I will never be able to. Dating other people is too exhausting and hurtful for me, I don’t know why we even try!?

  3. NC
    August 27, 2009 | 9:57 am

    SOFIA–

    I had a “bad” date last wk and it brought back memories of my ex as well. I was sad…not that our relationship was super but at least I knew what i had with thim. Plus I did not have to “date” anymore.

    The feelings you have are normal. The more people u meet the less comparison u will do but it is all normal.

    I have news for you—u are normal.

  4. William
    September 1, 2009 | 1:58 pm

    Just wanted to chime in and give some hope. I disappeared…cause I almost healed! I’ve gone on Tour for a month and that has literally SAVED my brain from crazyness…I have met other girls, enjoyed life, and I didnt think about her at all. I’m back not at my apt, and some memories come by…BUT…they dont hurt that much anymore! I have totally understood that she’s not coming back, so why would I waste my time in her? Before I knew this but didn’t act like it..now I know its totall over, and Im looking forward to my next nice relationship..probably the first one will suck, or the second one..but hey, if she came by, Im sure other cool people may come by too after…keep some hope! Dont get flooded by negativity or sad feelings. If you guys go on a date..do it and just forget about your exes…not fair for the new person. They have done the same (moved on) so you have to do the same! DOnt even bother about them! ENjoy your dates and start thinking of your life without your exes…it’ll start feeling better once you do this!

    And Sofia…AVOID all info from him! If you keep on checking what he’s doing you are never gonna recover! The day you do this you will feel SO much better you can’t imagine! ANd you’ll laugh at these days! Promise!

  5. NC
    September 2, 2009 | 7:08 am

    Great post William.

    I am off this wkend to Florida to get away. This will be my first trip since the break-up. I have been doing really well until last night when i had a dream about him….but oh well. Florida here I come :)

  6. Sofia
    September 2, 2009 | 8:46 am

    Good post, William! It really only takes a reminder (walking by the restaurant of your first date, coming across an old email, etc) to relapse, and I did that. My ex started texting me yesterday (He is on vacation for his girlfriends bday and texts ME?) that he was thinking about me, “sorry for how he hurt me,” that he hasn’t “fully moved on,” and “we’ll get through this together.” Seriously, you men need to stop jerking girls feelings around. I feel like a yo-yo. It’s totally unfair to dump me for someone else, then tell me you havent moved on from me.

    I told my job that I was sick today (I’m not) so I could stay in bed til 11am and mope around the house. I’m back at square one where I close my eyes and picture him laughing and smiling with his girlfriend, spoiling her and making her happy — not me. Breaking up is an up and down cycle…..one-two months I’m happy and I don’t think of him..But then one week I’m crying. I was reading online that obsessive thoughts about an ex is a sign of OCD. :-(

    I think I need a vacation — when I came back from Vegas in July I was so happy….I think the “post-vacation high” is wearing off & I need another :)

  7. William
    September 3, 2009 | 9:29 pm

    Sofia…jesus!!! They call it NC for a reason! You are proving anybody who doubts about NC the power it has! The moment you have a minimal contact with him, all your progress goes to hell! I’ve almost moved on and I DONT want to see my ex! Cause I would go back to square 1!!!! No way! If you hadn’t received that text you would feel a lot better!! Your ex sucks btw..they all do, but yours sucks a lot! How can he do that??? Thats called “playing with you” and thats NOT cool! Tell him to f#$% off and stick to his decision and leave you alone, cause although you are craving for you guys to go back together (we all do until we heal and realise how stupid this is), its NOT a good idea! So if that doesnt work, get a new number, disappear from his life. Maybe in a few years it all looks differently, but NOW its not the time. Let him “enjoy” his new GF, and be sure that when things go bad, he will start regretting letting you go, but by then you will have your new man, and you will be VERY HAPPY..even if you dont have your man, the fact that you have moved on means that you are FINE and happy, so work on that!!! Let him go for good! Don let yourself go back to square 1 again, and just move forward!

    eyeshift AT gmail DUUUT com

    If you need to talk or whatever, drop me a line, I am 95% over it, and I feel very condifent my words can help you move on. You HAVE to move forward Sofia! Let me know if you need help or whtever!

  8. NC
    September 9, 2009 | 7:37 am

    William—How long has it been since you and your ex-broke up? That is great you are 95% over yours.

    I have a very good feeling I am going to bump into my ex next wkend at a party. It will be the first time we will have seen each other since the break-up. I plan to say hey and keep on moving. But I will be nervous…

  9. mikhail
    September 13, 2009 | 6:52 am

    hi,
    i have been going through this blog and it has helped me to look at my own situation. I am 26 and in June i had a relationship for the first time in my life. it was the worst mistake of my life. i was actually smooth talked into bed by my boss on a business trip. who is married with a kid and 10 yrs senior to me. i was dumb enough to think that i will come out of this unaffected. after sleeping with him bout 4 times i ended it. but him nor i could stop being in touch with each other through chat or sms. i had a good job. i quit from there so i could get over him. got a much much better job. and yet i am in a constant state of sadness and depression. i was not even remotely in love with him. it was a fling. but i keep getting depressed over the fact that i had been a virgin and waited patiently for Mr. right. and then gone right ahead and ruined it all. because of this none of the success i achieved in my education or career is able to give me joy. i cant stop feeling guilty, used and extremely stupid. and after everything…. after telling him soo many times i will never see him again or talk to him… i reply to his texts all the time. some times i sms him myself. thankfully i have not seen him since i decided to stop this.
    the biggest problem for me is the guilt …… because of the conservative background i come from and my own beliefs about love and inexperience where relationships are concerned.
    advice would be most welcome….

    thanks.

  10. Sofia
    September 14, 2009 | 9:41 pm

    Mikhail, I come from a conservative background, too. I was very sheltered by my parents. I come from a family filled with arrange marriages. Therefore I was very inexperienced with love. I was “experienced” in casual flings thanks in part to college, but had no experience with love and companionship. Your first true relationship is almost like losing your virginity all over again … you’re always going to have a part of that person a part of your life. It is really hard to let go off someone that was your first in so many aspects — and it goes beyond him being your first, physically. He slowly opened you up and exposed you to new emotions; emotions and feelings that you are not familiar with, or understand because of your background. I wish I could tell you to change your phone number, but my friends tell me to do that, and I don’t listen. Infact, I might never. Because once I completely shut him out of my life, then an individual who allowed me to feel things (love) that I didn’t know were possible, would be gone forever. It is possible, by the way, that he had feelings for you, even though he was married, so you shouldn’t feel stupid. I would have fallen from his ways, too.

    I don’t think there is a Mr. Right. If there is, we don’t end up with them. There are “Mr Right Nows” that might turn out to a perfect fit.

  11. NC
    September 22, 2009 | 6:54 am

    Oh I saw the ex for the first time since our break-up 3 months ago. Oh the emotions came flooding back. Ugh Ugh Ugh.

    I am back crying….oh man this is rough.

  12. Kayleigh
    October 30, 2009 | 3:13 am

    Me and my ex went out for 3 month then we ended it by an argument as he was going on holiday, wen he got back we decided to be friends, were i go to hang out he goes the same place… it felt like normal as if we were still going out.. flirting and stuff like that. My mate tried to get us back together.. didnt work.. i was mad at him for saying ‘no’ after he flirted with me.. leading me on.. so after that we just stopped speaking. Couple of days later.. I decided to give him a text saying i want to be friends… 5 pages long. No reply. So after that i ignred him.. He has now got a new gf… Im not over him completely but im slowly getting over him… :)

  13. Gonzo
    November 11, 2009 | 8:31 pm

    So I’m glad to hear a few of us are making progress. I can pretty much say I’m totally over my ex. It was slightly easier for me because my ex had a few personality traits that were definitely not working for me, so I just kept reminding myself of that. And I admitted to myself that what I was really feeling was anger and jealousy over her jumping into a new guy’s bed immediately after our breakup, rather than sadness at losing her as an individual. Once I came to that realization, the jealousy and anger more or less disappeared. I’m not one to dwell on those types of emotions unless it’s really warranted. Knowing her, she was probably following the old advice of “the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.”

    I’ve actually seen her around a couple of times in the last few months. I’ve tried to be friendly, but she doesn’t have much interest in talking. Her loss.

    And believe it or not, I’m still seeing the girl I met a few months ago.

    It does get better.

  14. Sofia
    November 15, 2009 | 2:32 pm

    I still find myself thinking of my ex in passing. Sometimes I’ll be driving past my old apartment where we would spend our nights, or a pass a diner that we shared a late-night bite to eat. I catch myself smiling, thinking about how nice that feeling was…how nice love and warmth was, and how those memories will be with my forever. I removed my ex, plus his friends, plus anyone that has any sort of connection to him on my facebook. I blocked them all. In March it will be one year since I’ve seen him and since we broke up…I’m a happier place professionally because I have a job and stable income. Relationship wise, no, I have not moved on…I haven’t slept with anyone since my ex, and have really held back in that regards. I don’t think I’m ready. Emotionally, mentally, and even physically, I think breaking up has helped me. I’m a better, more rounded person, and more aware of my surroundings and feelings. Whenever my next relationship be, I know that it will be a healthy one, largely in part to the lessons learned in my past relationship.

    I’ve learned to “look on the bright side” and see the positive in the negative. I hope that everyone that remains in state of depression after a break up will try and do the same. Time heals all wounds, but so does realizing that you are a stronger person in the end.

  15. Girl
    December 6, 2009 | 10:00 am

    Basically, im a 20 year old girl and ive never been in a relationship that lasted over 6 months. every guy i have ever been with has disposed of me for reasons that they only touched on briefly and were very general – they just ended up going off me for reasons i wish i knew. my boyfriend of 6 months just broke up with me by texting me. he told me we werent clicking and he didnt feel great about us being together and wanted to be on his own. he gave no further explanation than ‘you are someone i was seeing for 6 months, get over it’. I feel so unworthy and disposable now than i ever have. I dont know why i keep being rejected as i am a selfless and passionate person in a relationship. I feel very depressed all the time now and my self esteem is barely there at all. im so upset that i was dillusional about our relationship and that i was really nothing to him. i dont know how to make myself better. i dont know why im so disposable to guys, they seem to just want to get me off their backs easiest way possible and have no guilty concience

  16. Kris
    December 24, 2009 | 6:46 am

    hey Guys,

    Just coming back on to the site. can you believe after i tried to heal after the break up walked away from him because he cheated and choose someone over me he came back and begged me to come back after 3 mths. I gave in only to find out he had gotten this other girl pregnant. I still stayed because he promised me he is going to make it right with us because i am who he wants. only for the baby to born and that day he closed me out like i did not exist. i walked away again. feeling so torn and hurt and decieved once more. dont know how to get through this again. I feel like i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. he is so cruel after all the love and forgiveness i gave him. so hard to move on again because he came back completely messed up my healing process that i have to start all over again.

  17. Kris
    December 24, 2009 | 6:49 am

    what a way to spend the christmas with so much hurt and pain.

    but merry xmas to all out there i hope all will go well for u and yours. be safe

  18. Sofia
    February 18, 2010 | 2:49 pm

    sorry some of you are still hurting or are going thru new-found hurt. to anyone reading through all of the posts- yeah, the pain goes away. or perhaps it just gets easier to deal with. Keeping BUSY is so important. “Get a hobby” is a little cliche…but finding a fulltime job, no matter what it is, is key. or maybe starting a blog and writing; just do something constructive with your time. Going on vacations basically saved my life. I learned what else is out there and re-connected with friends that lived in other cities. I’ve already gone out west 3x (vegas and LA 2x) and am contemplating a move. When I was on vacation, I didn’t think about my ex at ALL because I was surrounded by happiness, great weather, and activities to distract me. Honestly, i’m coming up on one year since I saw my ex and, yes, I still think about in EVERYDAY. i know he doesn’t probably think of me because he has a very serious girlfriend….but perhaps he was just my one, first, true love.

    I hope everyone finds their passion and something to distract themselves xox

  19. nea
    March 27, 2010 | 6:09 am

    Hey guys, I’ve been through a breakup myself and this blog, along with your comments have kept me strong. Without meaning to disrespect the writer/owner of this blog, I found that another blog, http://GettingPastYourPast.wordpress.com really helping me going through this difficult time. We need all the help we can get. Take care, everybody, and trust the process.

  20. Gonzo
    March 28, 2010 | 9:21 am

    Checking back in with an update. Not that I need attention or anything, but just figured I’d throw my experiences out there in case anyone can identify.

    I had been dating a new girl for about 9 months. We just had one of those conversations that either makes or breaks a relationship. In this case, it probably broke it. We talked about how she wants kids and wants to spend more time with me. These are both big issues for me – I’m leaning towards not having kids, and I’m pretty selfish with my time in general (although this might just be a result of her just not being the right one for me).

    I have no idea if I’m capable of loving anyone – I might be too far gone for that or have too much emotional “scar tissue” built up over the decades. But what was clear to me was I increasingly preferred being alone to making plans with her. That’s pretty much an obvious sign right there, and is always what happens with me when my heart tells me a relationship is over but my brain hasn’t admitted it yet.

    So it looks like I’m losing another great woman to my need to be alone. Maybe I should see a shrink again (lol). And I’ll also mention that I feel differently after this breakup than I have after my last couple. I guess each one really is unique.

  21. Sam
    March 31, 2010 | 10:36 am

    I miss my husband, I left him because the situation was unbearable and I MISS HIM I want to die..I really do, he was the love of my life I pray so hard…it was his Birthday 2 days ago, I was in Italy but I got back yesterday and said happy bday he didnt respond..Im at death’s door.

    :(

  22. bah
    May 4, 2010 | 10:19 pm

    Wow these comments have really helped me out. In my case I was with my ex-girlfriend for 2 years, cant seem to pass the 2 year mark. What I find odd is most of the last 6 months I wasn’t feeling the relationship, kept thinking about what it would be like to sleep with other girls, etc. Finally she dumps me and starts seeing another guy within 3 weeks, and I tried to get back in there in those 3 weeks. Anyways 2 months later she dumps the guy on her birthday after I tell her she can move on and I wont bother her anymore, and invites me over where I end up spending 3 days with her!. Then the next day, boom! she dumps me and gets back with him! All that time getting over it and now I’m back to square one, calling her, messenging her, texting, the whole 9 yards! Damnit, I agree with what someone said earlier about how it must be some kind of territorial thing with us guys. But I read that link someone posted….

    http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862.html

    ….and its so spot on I started laughing! Man how ridicules are we?

    Well I decided to do the whole travel thing to get over it. Spend some time alone, or learn to anyways. I agree with what others have said, just because the other person has starting seeing someone else right away doesnt mean they have moved on. Just means they are trying to fill the void the same. Best thing to do is remember how much they annoyed you and hang out with old friends who probably miss you!

    Good luck friends and remember there are 3 billion people of the opposite sex on this planet, or same if thats your bag, and you’re crying over one!

  23. Kurtis
    May 9, 2010 | 1:45 pm

    Hi,
    dont know if anyone above still reads this,I guess hopefully not cause then they will no longer be depressed!
    A lot of what people have said I can totally relate too from past and paster relationships.
    Ive been looking at stuff like this because of recent events in my life. I started seeing this girl about a year ago and we came official last september.The problem all along was that she had just come out of a 5 year relationship, was 5 years younger (21) and I hadnt had a serious gf in 4 years. At the time it started as a bit of fun n gradually got more serious. She said she loved me first, I said it straight back as I really did. The problem allways was that Iiked her more than she liked me. She then broke up with me in January, not because I had done anything wrong or was a bad person but because she didnt feel “it” and wanted to be on her own and never should have gone out with her in the first place.
    I naturally was very upset and went to see her the next day (she did it by phone). We slept together and agreed we would still see each other to see if she changed her mind in meantime. We did this up until Friday,doing various things (weekends away) meals with family in meantime, everyone was very confused. She said at one point she thought she loved me and then retracted it saying she felt under pressure to say it. Shes in her last year of uni n under a bit of pressure at the mo.
    Anyway the other night my ex not the girl above told me she still had feelings for me and we ended up kissing, I have a little boy with this ex so it was very confusing. i felt guilty for a few days (even tho were not officially going out)and told my ex with my boy that I couldnt do anything or take it further at the mo because I still had feelings for my more current ex who I had been seeing – I still loved her.Because I loved her i told her that i had kissed my older ex and now she doesnt want to see me anymore, shes said she just wants to cut me out and get on with her life. Im taking it badly because ive contined loving her and still do, i love who she is and what we did together and how she made me feel. I dont want to just settle for something with someone else, I want to be with her.
    If youve read all that thankyou, I just wanted to write it down to see if it helped

  24. Anna
    May 30, 2010 | 10:26 pm

    It started as a game.. Nothing was serious, but 8 months down the road we both started having feelings for each other.. It’s was about feb 09 when we realized we loved each other.. He was divorced, had been for 3 years. He was going into his fourth year.. He had told me he was trying to fix things for his kids w his ex.. At the time I didn’t care,, I didn’t feel anything but lust for him… But 8 months down the rd I fell in love with him.. And he fell in love with me he told me he was no longer trying to fix things w his ex.. A month later he all of a sudden tells me he is moving back in with her for his kids… I believed him even though I knew better than that but I loved him so much I decided to trust his word.. I did continue to c him he told me he was leaving her soon.. Everything seemed good between us and he told me he wouldn’t let me down that soon everything would be good again… I believed him.. After about a month if moving back in with his ex… He started ti get distant,, he no longer called or texted me like he use to.. 2 3 weeks would pass at the time… Why I stayed with him,. I don’t know, but I knew I loved him and still believed him when he would say to me it was work,,, he was busy bc of wrk,,

    One day he finally told me why he got back w his ex out of the blue .. He said his kids were having problems bc of the divorce and that the best thing had been to return to them.. I believed it. But I always thought it was awkward that after 3 years they were barely reacting.. But idk how a divorce affects a child, early or late?

    It’s been a year and he has not left her.. I feel that I love him so much. But I don’t know why. I mean I do. I just don’t know why I can’t move on and why this bit of hopes clings on to my heart so tightly it’s what keeps me believing,,

    I find myself being so sad feeling devastated then it all turns to anger and I feel so mad and hurt inside,, I hate going through this roller coaster or emotions. I wanna move on but it is so hard for me.

    I feel so empty inside. Like I have nothing to live for. For a while I was eating my emotions away. I gained 6 pounds but I have been trying not to eat out my feelings.. So far good. When I wake up in the mornings my days are so dark. I feel like just laying in bed all night. I feel worthless and like I can’t move on. I feel I may be depressed but I’m not sure. As a teen I was very emo. I felt depressed and did have thoughts of suicide. I wrote a lor ppt because it’s the only thing that got me through the emotions. All my poems were about death.

    Now as I feel this way. My main thought is if I die… Everything will go away and I wont feel anything anymore. Except I wouldn’t kill myself bc I couldn’t do that to my family, I love them too much ti hurt them.

    But the main reason sometimes I feel like killing myself is to teach him a lesson… When I’m mad and angry about how he used and played with me I get so angry I want to leave a suicide note tellin him thank you for fucking with my emotions and treating me like a rag doll.. And to make him feel awful And like the worst being in the world. So he can feel remorse and guilt. But in reality I wouldn’t something of that wort bc he’s not worth my life.

    I just feel so down.. & idk if it’s depression.. But I do know o née. To seek help to help me cope with this breakup and to talk about how I’m feeling bc something doesn’t seem right….. Gray days everyday don’t seem right,
    . I wanna b the happy girl I use to be.. Help.

  25. Anna
    May 30, 2010 | 10:38 pm

    KURTIS! I think your more current ex just used the muss btween u and you sons mom as an excuse to completely cut you off. She broke up with u first however conti ued to c u bc I think she probably just didn’t wanna hurt u or something + the habit if just having someone and maybe she was looking fir her ex of 5 yrs in you and that’s y she said i love u… Anyway all concludes to I don’t think she was upset the kiss happened I think it was just an excuse what she needed to just cut u off…. If she really loved u the reaction would have been different.

  26. denies
    June 4, 2010 | 4:43 pm

    I have been searching for sites on how to rebuild my self esteem. i was seeing this guy for about a yr. on the 28th of may i was at work looking forward to the weekend and spending sun with my bf. when i checked my emial i saw that i had an email for someone i did not know. i started reading the email and in the first line of the email i started shaking and wanted to cry. the email for a woman that he had started a relationship with 5 months ago. she was writing to tell me that she has been his girlfriend now for 5 months. she had suspected something was wrong. everytime she asked me he would lie. the broke up about 3 times due to catching him all these lies. i asked here where and how she got my email address. she told me that on the thursday night she asked to see him and when i came over to see her she made him log into is email so that she can see what he has been up to. she said that the was squirming at the side of her while she read all the emails he had from other woman. that is when she copied my emial address and decided to write me for she realized that i am not just any bimbo and that he was sharing alife with me. After a chain of events we both confronted him on the monday for for him to yet again deny me as his gf. he kept on calling her god alone knows what he told her about me. i found out on wednesday that he has decided to go and work it out with her. he wont take my calls and has changed his number. i sent him an email and he responded. he told me that yes he has known me for a year but we did not have a relationship. and the does not understand why i lied about it. he basically told me that it was all in my head and that he will no longer be responding to my emails as he has closed that chapter in his life and it trying to be the person that he is supposed to be. he used me for a year. only so that he does not have to be lonely all the while he was looking for something else. needless to say this has done a number on my self esteem and confidence. i am depress have not eaten for a week dont want to do anything hate my life and thinks that if i am dead it wont hurt anymore.

    But then i stop and think that i have a 5 yr old daughter that i need to take care off. i dont know how and when i will be able to get over this.

    my friends tell me that he is an idiot but that does not do much for me feeling better at all. i just want to stop the hurt and the pain. i feel like i am so worthless without him. in the whole year he controlled everything cause he is the man. so now i am lost without him.

    i know that i am better off!!!! it is just that i do not know how to stop the pain i am feeling.
    june 4

  27. Anna
    June 5, 2010 | 7:21 pm

    I am so sorry denise I know how you feel if you wanna talk mzzmija@aol.com is my email I know your pain and I am going through similar phase.. All j can say is that god bless you have a daughter because I know that she will be enough to get you through. I had a miscarriage :( I only wish I had my little angel with me because I know that all his love and presence would be able to get me through these dark days..

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