Radio Gaga – The challenges of Letting Go

There is one line in the classic hit song of Queen Radio Gaga that keeps playing on loop in my head for the past several days, “I want to break free…” Most probably it’s because I do want to break free, break free from this pathetic state of mind that I am in. I keep telling myself that I am over this break-up, I am so over the man who brought me down to my knees crying and hurting. But every day I am consumed with questions that were left unanswered when the relationship ended. How can I move on when I so want these questions answered badly? Do I just accept the fact that I will be left in the dark about why he really ended the relationship? It is not so easy to walk away from something that was so special and sacred to me, after years of being together I think I deserve a much better break up. It may sound stupid but I really do deserve a good explanation because it is insulting for me that this guy thinks that there is no deeper reason other than what he gave me. He pushed me away because he couldn’t bear to be honest with me and to think I once thought he was one of the most sincere people I knew, it really is amazing how much it hurts when someone you trusted can just blatantly lie to you while looking you straight in the eyes.
I am now caught in between the emotions of clinging to my pride, telling myself that I will survive this and having no shame for myself and just wanting to tell him please come back to me. Right now having a little self-respect is winning and I hope it will continue to do so because I don’t know if I will be happy even if he comes back to me someday knowing I got him back by begging him. I was already a fool for love and I honestly don’t want to look like an ass anymore, I do believe there is someone out there who deserves me. My Mom said he is out there and we just haven’t crossed paths yet, I really want to believe my Mom. I don’t want to think that there is no one out there who will truly love me and I don’t want to think that life is that unfair. I am still grateful because I got to experience what it was like to be loved by someone, I got to experience someone really taking care of me and treating me like a queen. It didn’t last forever like I was expecting but I’m still positive that it will happen again, I can’t accept that I will experience something wonderful only once in my life.
Deciding to move on is easier said than done, you can be at your limits with all your miseries and just want it to be over with but letting go of a past love is really hard especially when that love is still very much alive in your whole being. Waiting for these emotions to fade away is torture, it’s like giving yourself a root canal with nothing to numb you with, time heals all wounds but that’s just it, time takes time. How do you get through healing when time just keeps dragging along, how do you get through it without going insane? I feel that love is like being inside a washing machine you get tossed inside and out, up and down, side-ways and all around. And you never know how you’ll come out of it, will you be fresh, clean, and good as new or you come out wrinkled and still with stains on. I can’t believe I’m comparing love with laundry, gosh I think I need to get out more. Get out and meet new people, learn new things, improve my life and start being open to the possibility of new love coming into my life. No matter how horrible love can be at times we can’t deny the fact that we need it in order for our lives to have meaning and purpose. Breaking free from something that has been holding you down and was disguised as real love is a very difficult thing but I imagine once you break free from the bonds of heartache all the pain that you went through will be worth it. Finding real love is a challenge but once you have it you’ll never want to break free.